


Please Please Me

by someforeignband



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, And Now For Something Completely Different, BAMF Lily Evans Potter, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Drag Queen Sirius, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, I hope this is something new, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, James Potter is a sweetheart, M/M, Marauders, Minor Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Modern Era, Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Remus Is Sexy like HELLO, Remus Lupin is Bad at Feelings, Severus Snape Bashing, Sirius Black in Drag, Sirius Black is a Little Shit, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, jily, stripper remus, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:41:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 39,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27763921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someforeignband/pseuds/someforeignband
Summary: He had a prominent aquiline nose, his face smattered in freckles, a scar ran from the right side of his forehead and through the tail of his right eyebrow. This - oh good god - this man was undoubtedly, undeniably, exactly Sirius Black’s type.ORThe one where Sirius is a Drag Queen, Remus is a stripper, and Lily has a horrible Boyfriend.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Remus Lupin & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 127
Kudos: 174





	1. Day Tripper

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends:) long-time no see:( I don't really exactly know what this, but I really really reaelly hope you like it !! I've kinda been sort of sitting on this for a while but yeah!!!
> 
> THIS IS PAINFULLY UNEDITED PLEASE BE KIND HEHEHEH

Sirius Black really fucking hated Lily’s boyfriend. Listen, it wasn’t the fact that he showered less than the average dude, or the long hair, or the fact he worked nights, or even the vegetarianism. See, those were all the things that Sirius Black and Severus Snape had in common. Between the both of them, they probably showered less than three times per week, were nocturnal for the most part, and had matching sloppy ponytails. But, Sirius supposed that it was the lack of recognition of the problem. It was easy for the three of them to meal prep at the start of the week, and for the most part, Sirius avoided the dude. 

Sure, you could surmise that Sirius was somewhat blessed to have a spot in the extra bedroom in the cramped apartment, that he was blessed that the walls were thick enough to block out most of the sound, that he had a warm bed and a place to call home. But, Sev’s constant nagging presence, occasional witty comment about Sirius’ lack of a college diploma, not that even Lily had one, could become rather… annoying. Or even worse, the wise remarks about what Sirius did for a living, or the occasional homophobic assertion were the things that were just plain rubbing Sirius the wrong way. But, the worst parts of living with Severus and Lily, are his occasional drinking binges, which often made the wee hours of the morning full of a screaming Lily and a very frustrated Sirius. 

The easiest thing would just be to move out, and Sirius acknowledges this, earnestly mulling it over every single time he hears the front door swing open,  _ just  _ as he’s laying down for the night. But, for the most part, it doesn’t bother him. It doesn’t. 

“Oh, what, you’re gonna be late to prance around on stage if we don’t find your stupid makeup compact?” Severus snorts from his perch at the kitchen island, a pencil pinched between his teeth as he stared down at  _ something  _ having to do with work. 

“Well, yeah,” Sirius sighs, feeling in-between the cushions of the couch with a manicured hand. “And if I knew you weren’t going to be any help, I wouldn’t have put my nails on already,” He grumbled, under his breath, shooting daggers into the back of Severus’ greasy head. 

“Okay, well… sorry?” Sev huffed around the pencil. Sirius could practically  _ hear  _ his eye roll. He didn’t move, didn’t even attempt to help Sirius find what he needed. 

“No, no, no,” Sirius chided. “I don’t think you understand, Sev, my  _ dear,”  _ He spits angrily, stomping over to where Severus was slumped. “Sirius being late to work means Sirius doesn’t go on stage. Sirius not going on stage means Sirius doesn’t get tips. And if Sirius doesn’t get tips, guess what that means for Severus?” 

“Oh please-” Serverus begins, only to be interrupted by Sirius. 

“That means you and your sweet, precious Lily Flower do not make rent at the end of this month…” He took a breath before smacking his hand against the linoleum of the island countertop. “So, that means… you’re going to help me find my fucking powder.”

–––

“Everything okay?” Lily shouts, over the music as Sirius takes a seat at the bar, watching his flat mate make a man at the end of the bar some kind of fruity drink in a frosted glass. He shook his head a couple of times before shrugging nonchalantly. 

“Your boyfriend is a fucking  _ prick _ ,” Sirius groans, softly placing his hands against the seam of his wig, patting it down. Lily sighs, just shaking her head, blatantly ignoring the statement, looking Sirius up and down. 

“Miss Dahlia, you look absolutely  _ ravishing _ tonight,” She grins, before asking. “What can I get you?” 

“The usual,” Sirius sighs, carefully pinching the enormous false eyelashes in to his real lashes, in hopes that they wouldn’t fall off before having to get back on stage. He was the closer tonight, it was a slow night. It wasn’t often that he got the opportunity to do a closing routine on a Friday night, he was young and nowhere near as experienced as some of the other queens that worked at the club. But, he was  _ pretty _ and the crowd had liked his first performance, so his boss gave him the go-ahead. 

Lily laughs at his request, nodding, grabbing a short, plastic cup from behind the bar, shoveling too much ice into it before drizzling an abhorrent amount of grenadine all over it and adding 7Up. Dropping two Maraschino cherries into the glass, she pushes it towards Sirius “A Shirley Temple, just like you like it…  _ non-alcoholic,”  _ She grins. 

“Thanks, Lils,” He says, lifting the glass to his lips, water-falling some of the liquid past his lips. He was always careful, drinking before a show. He knew better than to think that drinking through a straw would allow his makeup to stay in tact, but he’d smudge his lipstick if he drank from the lip of the actual cup. So, he settled for awkwardly pouring the contents of the cup into his mouth, before inevitably getting frustrated and just crunching on the ice sitting in the drink. 

Lily once asked if she should get him a cup of ice, only for Sirius to reply, “Oh but that ruins the fun, doesn’t it?” 

Reaching into the glass with a long, stiletto nail, Sirius stabs one of the two cherries before bringing it up to his lips, turning to watch one of his coworkers on stage. Crushing the cherry between his teeth, he felt the skin of it snap, relishing in the taste of it, before abandoning his cup to attempt to work the crowd a little. 

“Hey, weren’t you just performing?” A timid voice asks from somewhere to Sirius’ left. Turning over his shoulder, Sirius spots a younger, slightly over-weight man sipping on a beer, staring at him from his seat at one of the booths near the bar. 

Knowing that he had to turn his charm on, he had one job and it was to  _ entertain.  _ Sirius flashed a dazzling smile, “Glad to know you were paying attention, sugar.” He pauses, bringing a nail up to his lips, biting down slightly, playing coy. “Did you like what you saw?” 

Sirius bats his eyelashes playfully, grinning wider somehow, knowing that if he made a good impression now, the guy might tip well when he closed out the show later. 

“Very much so…” The guy blushed a deep rose, eyes flickering over Sirius’ face, only for his gaze to shift downward and over the rest of Sirius’ body. Sirius sent him a smirk, smug and unabashedly confident as ever. 

Sirius prided himself on being  _ pretty,  _ it had always been something that he could count on. A sort of pretty privilege really, most of his life, he’d reeled people in with his elegant facial features, small, almost pixie nose, prominent cupid’s bow, naturally fine hair and eyebrows, long eyelashes, the works. His lithe build didn’t do much for him until college when he finally started doing shows like this, but his long legs were always something that drew attention. 

_ Sirius Black knew he was pretty.  _

“Are you staying for when I close then?” He asks, walking over to the man, carding a gentle hand across the man’s cheek, feeling a little bit of stubble growth along his jaw. 

“Oh-erm! I suppose I am,” The man stuttered anxiously, obviously not aware of what exactly to do in this situation. Sirius could feel the nervous energy rolling off of the man, a smile spread slowly across Sirius’ lips. 

“Good,” He grinned, and it was sadistic, really. He was watching this poor man squirm and rather than softening up, dropping the facade, Sirius only laid into him harder. Flicking a lock of hair behind his shoulder, he winked and said, “See you soon, baby.” 

Figuring he’d done enough for the night, Sirius sauntered back towards the bar, tossing the cup that he’d left into the waste basket. “You are absolutely  _ sick,”  _ Lily chides, looking at him playfully. “You just  _ torture  _ these poor men.” 

“I can’t help it,” Sirius giggles, beaming at Lily. “I’m just so-”

“Pretty…  _ I know. _ Get back to work, you cunt,” Lily chuckles, smacking his leather clad shoulder. 

–––

“I’m not even untucked yet, and you’re suggesting we go to  _ another  _ club?” Sirius groans, smudging coconut oil against his lash line, easing the enormous silk lashes off of his eyelids. He dabbed the lashes with a napkin, before dropping them into a cup of micellar water, hoping that the mascara and coconut oil would soak off of them. He knew he could  _ not  _ afford another pair of forty dollar lashes. 

“I meant  _ tomorrow night.  _ God you are so  _ dramatic!”  _ Lily rolls her eyes, watching as Sirius pumps some cold cream into his hand, rubbing it across his cheek, the makeup there beginning to melt off. 

“I’m a fucking drag queen, for Christ’s sake,” he says, pointing out the obvious. “I mean isn’t it like an offense against the queen if I didn’t have at least a  _ little  _ flare for the dramatics?” 

“God…  _ you _ … I am gonna throttle you,” Lily grumbles, crossing her arms in front of her. 

Sirius sighs, pulling a baby wipe out of the container on the corner of his vanity. “Jesus Lily, both of us work at a club already, and you’re suggesting that I spend my  _ one Saturday off _ during this pay cycle at a  _ different club _ , watching  _ other drag queens _ ?” Sirius asks, the exhaustion in his voice coming across loud and clear. 

“No! This… this is a different kind of club…” Lily says, her eyes suddenly flicking down towards the floor. The carpet was dingy, covered in makeup remnants and glitter. Shuddering, she lifts her head back up towards Sirius, only to see him staring back at her, half of his makeup still on, his face covered in a cold-cream sheen. 

“Oh please, what is it a  _ strip club?”  _ Sirius mocks, laughing, as if the idea was m _ ore than absurd.  _ Lily drops her eyes to the floor. 

Lily and Sirius worked at a Gay Night Club. No stripping involved, drag queens and go-go dancers exclusively, thousands of frilly drink combinations, and a massive dance floor. Lily places her thumb nail between her teeth, chewing on it for a moment. “Well… actually… yeah,” Lily chuckles, looking back at Sirius nervously. 

“You’re fucking with me.” 

“No! Siri, I’m not! I mean… I was thinking about what you said earlier, you know, about Sev,” She pauses, looking up at Sirius, who was looking back at her through her reflection in his huge vanity mirror. “And you’re right, he  _ is  _ an absolute prick. You’re  _ so _ right. And like… what would be a better way to piss him off than to go to a strip club?”

Sirius mulled it over for a couple moments, turning her words over in his head a few times before ultimately shrugging. “Alright…” He sighs in defeat, wiping more makeup off of his face. “But don’t get mad when no guys come up to you because you’re there with me.” 

“Well I- Siri- you don’t exactly  _ look…”  _ Lily trails off. 

“Hey! I’m not gonna show up in full drag, you twat!” Sirius laughs, turning around to whip a dirty baby wipe at her. 

_ “Sorry!”  _ Lily giggles, bringing her hands up to shield her face from the dirty rag. 

“Oh good god,” Sirius says, a look of realization washing over his features.  _ “What the hell do I wear?”  _

“I’m about to revoke your ‘Sirius Black Fashion Icon’ badge, what the  _ hell  _ do you mean ‘what do I wear’?” Lily teased. “Just… wear what you’d wear on a night out!” 

“Riiight…” Sirius drawls, eyebrows knit together, most of his makeup well removed by then. 

“Well, it shouldn’t matter anyway, should it? I mean none of the dudes there are necessarily going to be…” Lily shrugs, placing her thumb nail back between her teeth again. 

“Yeah I know,  _ Gay _ . So… so why am I going again?” Sirius grumbles. “I mean, I know I’m your best friend or whatever but this doesn’t seem…” 

“Same reason I’m going…?” Lily says hesitantly, her voice ticking up slightly towards the end. “Just because you can’t order anything doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu, no?”

Sirius laughed at that, turning back toward the mirror, pulling his wig cap off. “I suppose you’re right…” 

“See! That’s the spirit!” Lily exclaims, clapping her hands together in excitement. 

_ “Whatever,  _ I’ll see you at home,” Sirius laughs, pulling his hair out of the low bun and brushing through it.

–––

Sirius started back at himself in the mirror in his room. He tried to dress as he would normally for a day out, but ‘nice day out in the city’ isn’t exactly what you wear to a strip club… a straight strip club. “I better have a nice time… I showered for this,” Sirius grumbles to himself, parting his mostly-dry hair down the middle. Scrunching his waves softly, he pulled his hair back into a little bun at the back of his head. Pulling a little bit of fringe out at the front, he dropped his hands and took a step back to look at himself. 

He was more nervous than he’d like to admit. He heard Severus’ voice echoing in the back of his mind  _ “You always stick out like a sore thumb”.  _ And usually, stuff like that didn’t bother him, he didn’t mind  _ sticking out,  _ but this was different for some reason. 

Black jeans, brown leather belt, white tee shirt, light-wash jean jacket, brown Chelsea boots. “Jesus wept, you look… Boring,” Lily murmurs from the doorway. 

Sirius practically jumped out of his skin, not noticing that Lily had even made any sort of an appearance. “Well sorry I don’t  _ know what to wear!”  _ Sirius exclaimed, tugging softly on the leather lapels of the jacket. “Do I really look… boring?” He asked, suddenly really terrified. He looked her up and down, taking note of her outfit. Her hair was curled, she was wearing red lipstick and a skimpy tank top with a plunging neckline, a few gold necklaces hanging around her neck. She held her jacket in her hands, leaving her shoulders and arms fully exposed, putting her scattering of tattoos on display. 

“For you? Yeah… I mean you’re not wearing any bracelets like. You’re not even gonna put in your nose rings? No jewelry at all?” Lily asks, noticing the lack of the normal silver hoop in his septum and stud in his left nostril.

“I have earrings on!” Sirius defends himself, pointing to the small silver hoops in his ears. “Should- Should I put the nose rings back in?” He asks, timidly, looking at his reflection, nervously. 

“Sirius! I’m not asking you to masquerade as my boyfriend. I want you to come as Sirius. Wear  _ whatever you want!”  _ Lily exclaims, walking over and picking up the silver chain off of the counter, holding it out to Sirius. 

He took it from her, sending her a soft smile. “Thanks.” Unclasping the necklace, he put it on. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen in five… I’m gonna change.” Lily smiled at him, leaving the room, closing the door behind her. 

Roughly eight minutes later, Sirius walked into the kitchen wearing a completely different outfit, both of his nose piercings in, hair completely down, it falling in loose waves hitting just above his shoulders. He wore a pair of black jeans, this time with an ungodly amount of rips in them, the tattoos on his thighs slightly visible through the rips in the fabric, and a soft green graphic tee-shirt that had a few faded Nirvana graphics on the front of it. He was holding a red-brown leather jacket in his arms, putting a few more tattoos on display, a few rings sitting on his fingers, a subtle choker around his neck, and a single cross earring dangling from his left ear. The soles of his white Doc Martens squeaked against the polished wood of the kitchen floor.

“My Sirius has emerged!” Lily chirps, grinning brightly at him. Sirius grins, timidly, the dimple in his left cheek shone deeper than it was in the low lighting of the kitchen.

“Where the hell are you both off to?” A gravelly voice calls from somewhere in the apartment. 

Sirius tried to hold back his eye-roll. He did. But, his eyes had a mind of their own, you see. “Out,” he called back to Severus, not wanting to give him more information than he needed. He didn’t need to know where they were going. 

“We’ll be back in a couple hours, babe,” Lily shouted, grabbing her purse off of the kitchen island. 

There were sounds of movement, then Severus emerged, only in a hoodie and boxers. Sirius couldn’t help the way his nose scrunched up into a sneer. He couldn’t help it. It was like all of a sudden, his mouth was full of this  _ sourness,  _ and he couldn’t hold back the grimace. It was a consequence of Severus’ existence, really. 

“Woah… you look…” Severus said, eyes raking over Lily, stopping just above on her chest. Sirius’ fists clenched at his side. 

“She looks great. She knows.” Sirius snarls, walking over to where Lily stood at the kitchen island, positioning himself almost directly beside her. 

“Sirius…” Lily places a soft hand on his arm. “Let’s just get going, yeah?”

The tension breaks, Sirius breaking his stare-down with the disheveled man across the kitchen. “Let’s get going.” Sirius repeats, knitting his brows together and shaking his head. 

–––

Lily had left out a little too many details about this club, and Sirius was more than a little peeved. Yes, he was going to swallow his pride regardless, and hold Lily’s hand as she watched scantily dressed men swivel their hips to KISS songs on stage. However, he was  _ not  _ prepared to walk into a place like this one. He would’ve dressed nicer.

Everything was black and leather, there were cushioned seats and mahogany wood tables. The booths were furnished in a soft black velvet, illuminated by LED strip lights. A huge light up dance floor took up the majority of the middle of the club, but up towards the stage were more tables and chairs. Most of the chairs looked to be sturdy and made of a black-varnished wood, the seats of the chairs cushioned with some kind of leather. 

“You’ve got to be  _ joking,”  _ Sirius deadpanned, eyes darting around the packed nightclub. Music was thudding, and it felt like everything was vibrating, the dance floor was lit up by LED lights within the actual floor, and the entire club was washed in a faint purple light. 

“What?” Lily asked, screwing her eyebrows up at him. 

On top of the rather up-scale nature of the joint, Lily seemed to have neglected to tell him that this particular club was holding a form of a  _ Ladies Night, _ and that the majority of club’s occupants were going to be… women. So if Sirius wouldn’t stick out for being gay, he sure as fuck was going to stick out for being  _ male.  _

“You weren’t going to tell me it was  _ Ladies Night?”  _ Sirius hisses, grabbing Lily’s arm. 

“Would you still have wanted to come?” Lily asked, pulling her arm away from Sirius’ grip. 

Sirius lets out a sigh, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “I suppose not.” He grumbles. 

_ God damn, Sirius really fucking hated Lily’s stupid-ass fucking boyfriend.  _

“I’m going to go get us something to drink,” Lily says, after seeming to have taken in their surroundings for an amount of time that was satisfactory to her. “Wait here, or look for a place for us to sit,” She squeezed Sirius’ arm comfortingly.

He nodded, surveying the club for some kind of inconspicuous booth. He wasn’t going to get any closer to the stage than he had to, he knew that the tables up near the stage were going to be as good as a  _ splash zone  _ at an amusement park. Sirius would rather die than get brought on stage. He knew sometimes strippers, much like any go-go dancer or drag queen, tended to work the crowd. It was good for tips, and Sirius knew that if they sat at the tables near the stage, there would be big red targets right above their heads. 

But, unfortunately most of the booths were either occupied, or they hadn’t been cleaned, and he knew Lily wanted the dancers on stage to at least be  _ visible.  _ So, Sirius snagged one of the tables a decent bit from the stage. Taking out his phone, he checked the time to see how long they had before the dancers came. He figured that the next round of dancers would come out around 10, but there probably wasn’t much of a set schedule as this was a  _ strip  _ club… not exactly like what he was used to. 

“Hey, I surveyed what they had behind the bar, and it was a little bleak,” Lily sighs, two drinks in hand. One was a dark amber color, and the other clear. “But… I got myself a Rum and Coke because it felt safe,” She grins, setting the drinks down on the table. “You know how I get… I just-” She trails off. 

“I know how you are.” Sirius states, taking his respective glass and bringing it up to his lips. “I mean you could’ve gotten us like Sex on the Beach or something, but… that would  _ really  _ make me look gay…” He laughs. “I just know it’s your fav.”

“I could’ve, but I thought that was pushing it. Plus… I know you don’t really drink much anymore, so I hope you’re okay that I just got you water,” She shrugs, nodding towards the glass in Sirius’ hand. 

“If you’d gotten me anything else, I probably would’ve asked you to go get me a water,” He chuckles, taking another sip from the short glass. Lily nods, knowingly, gaze moving from Sirius to the stage, where a couple of dancers were working the poles that were on stage.

Both of them were incredibly muscular, defined stomachs and broad chests made them almost impossible to look away from, not to mention the men’s matching flaming auburn curls. The pair wore absurdly tight leather pants that left very,  _ very  _ little to the imagination. They almost looked like they were going for a sort of sexy-space-cowboy kind of bit, and Sirius kinda thought it was cheesy, but almost everyone who works at some kind of club goes through a weird ‘oh I wanna do a sexy space-cowboy/cowgirl’ phase. Hell, it was a regular bit for Sirius, or a regular bit for  _ The Black Dahlia _ . Everyone loves a space cow-girl, especially when under all that makeup is a young gay man, and you’re a closeted, married man in his forties. 

“Space cowboy,” Lily chides, looking at Sirius. 

“So played out,” They say at the same time, looking at each other and bursting into a fit of giggles. 

“I mean, come on! Don’t they know the space cowgirl thing is for drag queens?” Sirius laughs, grinning at Lily, suddenly extremely glad he’d decided to come along for this adventure. “If you don’t keep the reins on me, I’m going to rate every guy on his performance,” He continues, pulling out his phone and opening the notes app. 

“Good  _ god _ , don’t you dare!” Lily squeals, taking the phone from Sirius’ hands, turning it off and holding it just far enough away that Sirius couldn’t reach it from across the table. 

“Hey!” Sirius cries, laughing and reaching across the table, grasping futilely for the phone that he very obviously wouldn’t be able to reach. But suddenly, Lily seemed to have forgotten about the phone entirely, dropping it with a loud thud onto the table. 

“You know…” A deep voice hums from behind Sirius. “It’s not everyday that we get couples in.” 

Sirius whipped his head around to see exactly what, or  _ who for that matter,  _ had absorbed all of Lily’s attention so suddenly. 

“Oh… no, we aren’t...” Sirius tries to explain quickly, suddenly eye level with a shirtless man’s pectorals, making unfortunate eye contact with his nipples. Flipping his gaze upward, Sirius stutters. “I don’t-” he attempts, but suddenly his tongue is much too big for his mouth, and the words are just too jumbled to come out at all. 

Standing in front of them was a man that had to have been chiseled from marble, sculpted by Michaelangelo himself, fully equipped with rippling arm muscles, washboard abs, and a soft happy trail that had Sirius’ mouth watering. His dark hair sat in soft ringlets against his forehead, his skin a deep cinnamon colour, and his eyes a clear, jade that looked nearly electric under the lighting of the club. 

“I was just teasing,” the man says, grabbing a chair from another table, and straddling it, leaning his chest against the back of the chair. “You both aren’t regulars and like… We just normally don’t get many men out on ladies night, so it was my first… assumption?” 

He flashes one of the most dazzling smiles that Sirius had ever seen, and suddenly he couldn’t meet the man’s eyes. “I’m James.”

“Prongs-” Lily stutters out, looking at him like a deer in the headlights, her mouth slightly parted.

“So you  _ are  _ a regular.” 

“No! I-” Lily puts her hands out in front of her in a feeble attempt to stop him. “No I- the ads! The ads!!” 

“Calm down, calm down!” James chuckles, reaching a hand out, placing it softly against Lily’s shoulder. “I’m just joshing. I know they put my fucking face on everything… What brings you guys to The Leaky Cauldron, hm?” James asks.

But rather than answering, Lily just stares at him for a moment, her eyes blown wide. “Sorry I’m just…” 

“Starstruck?” James teases, and Lily’s expression sours. She throws him glare, before turning to look at Sirius. 

“We just came because it’s our night off and…” 

“Lily wanted to piss her boyfriend off,” Sirius finishes for her, taking a sip of his water, only to receive a hard kick in the shin from Lily under the table. “Fucking ow!” he cries, nearly spilling his water everywhere. 

“Ah, boyfriend troubles. I see…” James nods in acknowledgement. “I’d assume that’s why most of these ladies are here.” He motions out at the crowd, the two men who were doing their sexy cowboy routines on-stage were still going at it, hip thrusting obscenely into the crowd. 

“Yeah I suppose,” Lily hums, throwing Sirius a glare. 

“You said it was your night off? You two are co-workers I assume?” James asks, dragging his finger around the lip of Lily’s glass, all his attention focused on the red-head.

“Mhmm,” Lily answers, noncommittally. “I’m a bartender at Madame Malkin’s.”

“Oh shit that’s cool!” James sits up at that, eyes suddenly flicking to Sirius, as if a piece had suddenly simply fallen into place. “That’s the club on 26th right?”

“Yeah,” Sirius huffs, nodding, suddenly wishing the water in his glass was something much stronger. James turned his attention back to Lily, beginning to chat her up some, obviously no longer considering Sirius much of a threat. Sirius sighed, turning his attention toward the stage, watching as the lights dimmed and the space cowboys dispersed into the crowd. 

“Like anything you see?” James asks slyly after a couple of moments, turning towards Sirius. And Sirius’ eyes - once again - couldn’t control themselves and were nearly rolling out of his head. 

“Yeah,” He sneered. “The bathroom over there looks  _ incredibly enticing.  _ If you’ll excuse me,” Sirius stood up, tucking his chair into the table, and walking towards the back of the club where the bathrooms were.

“Did I say something… wrong?” James asks, his cheeks suddenly a pretty violent shade of salmon. 

“God no,” Lily huffs. “He’s been pissy with me all week, he’s…  _ going through some stuff,”  _ Lily finally settles on, taking a sip of her drink. James hums in acknowledgement, leaning against the back of the chair, trying to get comfortable. Suddenly, the lights in the club dim further than they had been, drawing the audience’s attention to the stage. 

“You better get comfortable,” James whispers. In that moment the entire place was still, nearly quiet enough for you to hear a pin drop, there was no music, no LED lighting, even the dancefloor lights had flickered off. “The  _ real _ show is about to begin.”

–––

Sirius emerged from the bathroom a few moments later to a nearly pitch black club, the only lighting coming from the purple strip lights that lined the pathways on the floor and around the rim of the stage. What had once been a lively club almost looked closed, the lack of a thumping bass line and flashing gave the room an entirely different feel. The entire place was silent, sans the quiet chatter of people within the crowd. 

_ The show was about to start, _ Sirius thought, eyes scanning for Lily’s table, shaking his head seeing the same beautiful man from earlier still sitting at their table. Sirius was sure that he was probably just trying to chat her up, maybe get some extra tips, especially after he’d let it slip that Lily was, in fact, taken. However, to Sirius, this James guy seemed leaps and bounds better than her current deadbeat boyfriend.

And that part got Sirius, he’d introduced himself as  _ James,  _ not as  _ Prongs,  _ which was probably his work name. When Sirius was on the job, he would  _ never  _ use his real name, unless he was  _ actually  _ interested in some guy that was in the crowd… which  _ never  _ happened. Strange. He supposed James could be interested, but Sirius would rather take a knife to the eyeball than ever date someone that came into the club. Telling people that the two of you met at work is fine… when you’re not both technically sex workers. That can get sort of… complicated.

Sirius was torn out of his thoughts by the overhead light above the stage flicking on. So as to not be seen as a target, someone who was out of their seat and mobile, Sirius quickened his pace back towards his seat at the table with Lily. 

“Good, you’re back just in time,” Lily giggles, nodding towards the stage. “I think you’re going to like him.”

“What makes you say that…?” Sirius raises an eyebrow, settling himself back into his seat, wiping his hands on the front of his jeans.

“Mr. Wolfsmund is  _ quite  _ the _ entertainer…”  _ James smirks, looking at Lily. 

Sirius shook his head, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, turning his head to the stage where a man in a pair of dress slacks and a pin striped blazer, adorned in gaudy jewelry, smoking a cigarette had emerged. He was  _ tall, _ but that wasn’t the first thing that Sirius noticed about him. His  _ hands _ were adorned in gold rings, nearly one on every finger, which were slender and good god were they  _ long.  _ His sandy blonde hair hung in soft curls framing his sharp features well. He had a prominent aquiline nose, his face smattered in freckles, a scar ran from the right side of his forehead and through the tail of his right eyebrow. This - oh good god -  _ this man  _ was undoubtedly, undeniably, exactly  _ Sirius Black’s type.  _

The  _ gorgeous man  _ brought the cigarette up to his lips as the beat of the song was brought in. Almost immediately, Sirius recognized the song. A drawn out, slowed down intro to  _ Slave 4 U  _ by Britney Spears began to flit over the atmosphere of the club. 

“Hey… is this-is this what I think it is?” He whispered, turning to look at Lily, who had a mischievous look on her face. 

“Recognize the song?” She asked, trying to hold back a giggle. 

“Yeah… you  _ know  _ I recognize the song,” Sirius grins, shaking his head at her. “This is my closer, come  _ on, Lils,”  _ Sirius prods playfully. 

“You strip…?” James asks, suddenly all too interested in Sirius’ occupation. 

“No!” Sirius scoffs. “God no,” He says, and leaves it there. James didn’t need to know more than he was willing to say.

“Oh…” James hums, thick eyebrows knitting together, trying to put the pieces together. 

Lily looks at Sirius knowingly, not saying anything, turning her attention back to the stage. Sirius watched the man on stage flick out the butt of the cigarette, stomping on it with the toe of his boot. Something, in that moment, changed, the lights flickered, suddenly washing the entire club in a deep shade of  _ red. _

Sirius watched with probably a bit  _ too much enthusiasm,  _ as the man on stage kicked the chair out of his way, nearly crawling with the pace he was moving. Reaching down to his beltloops, the performer quickly unbuckled his belt, easing the leather out of the loops of his slacks. He brought the belt up into his hands, folding it in half, then pulling it taut. As the sides of the belt hit one another, a startling crack floated over the music, sending heat blazing down to the very bottom of Sirius’ spine. 

He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until he felt all of the air that he’d been holding in suddenly rushed to leave his lungs, as the man on stage grabbed his belt by the hilt, whipping it downward, sending the length of it down to the floor with a satisfying crack.  _ “Oh,”  _ Sirius breathed, watching the man drop the belt completely, the buckle hitting the stage with a metallic click. 

He was entranced as he watched the man, who was doing little but slowly undress, shedding the blazer that was plastered across his sinfully broad shoulders. There was something about the fluidity of his movements, the sensuality of it all, that had Sirius completely and utterly enraptured by the man. He wasn’t sure if it was the sheen on his tan, freckled skin, the rippling muscles of his torso, or the intriguing scars that covered his chest. But whatever it was, it was  _ damn magical.  _

“Yeah, Mr. Wolfsmund is kind of a fan fave,” James explains to Lily, shrugging nonchalantly. “Our boss is kind of a prick though, he never gets the closing spot…” 

  
“I know how hard those can be to come by,” Lily says, nodding over to Sirius, who still sat, rather enraptured by  _ Mr. Wolfsmund’s _ working of the crowd. People in the front rows were practically grovelling to shove one dollar bills into the man’s dress slacks, hands touching and groping wherever he’d allow them. His legs were spread, he reached into the crowd to pull womens’ hands to press flat against the ridges of his ab muscles. He was  _ obscene.  _

“He deserves a closing spot,” Sirius murmurs, turning to look at Lily, thin eyebrows raised. “Look at how he works the damn crowd!” 

“Yeah… Moony is kind of incredible," James chuckles, shaking his head as he watches the man get back on stage to begin to remove more items of clothing. 

“Moony?” Lily raises an eyebrow to look at James, who only smirked. 

“You’ll see.” James promises, grinning stupidly, his teeth just as gorgeous and perfect as the rest of him. 

Sirius was numb to the conversation, his attention back on the performer onstage. 

–––

After watching three of  _ Mr. Wolfsmund’s  _ five song routine, James leaned back in his chair. “Alright, I’ve gotta go rub body oil all over my chest. Don’t go anywhere alright? I’ll be on before you know it,” He gloats, sending Lily a flirty wink.

Sirius knows she’d deny it, but even in the low red lighting, he could tell that Lily’s cheeks were suddenly a flaming shade of crimson. It didn’t take rocket science to put two and together that Lily liked him, at least a little bit. Even if it wasn’t more than surface level, there was something about the way her eyes were glued to James’ back as he walked away that made a soft smile spread across Sirius’ lips.

“You think he’s hot,” Sirius prods, gently, not wanting to nudge a soft spot. Lily had been with Severus for as long as he could remember, he didn’t want to start a conversation that would make the entire night go to shit. 

“Please! Like you haven't been watching this dude like a hawk all night,” Lily scoffs, pointing to the sandy blonde man who was grinding against a couple of women less than 20 feet away.

“That’s different,” Sirius sneers, suddenly feeling put on the spot. 

“How!” 

“He’s… I’m… Okay…” Sirius stumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up as the man, Mr. Wolfsmund, looked over at them, his eyes a warm, inviting shade of amber. 

“Mmhm.” Lily hums, smirking, watching the younger man completely transfixed by the dancer.

Sirius was positively captivated. If he wasn’t before, then he sure as hell was now. Without breaking eye-contact, the man slid his hand down his chest, pressing the palm against the well defined muscles of his pectorals and them across his obliques, and down past his bellybutton, alarmingly close to the  _ abhorrently inviting looking  _ bulge in the man’s metallic black briefs. 

“You’re being a slag, stop drooling,” Lily groans. 

But, as soon as she’d said it, something must’ve gone off in the other man’s mind, as he broke away from the women he was dancing with to make his way over to Lily and Sirius’ table. Long legs, corded in thick muscle were in front of Sirius before he could even really register what exactly was happening. Sitting himself on top of their table,  _ Mr. Wolfsmund  _ spread his legs, palms against his inner thighs, turning himself to face Sirius. Knowing better than to be unprepared at a place like this, Sirius fumbled for the small stack of ones that he’d set under his empty water glass at the beginning of the night. On the off chance that a stripper were to visit their table, he knew that it was common courtesy to tip. Obviously. 

Hands shaking slightly, he held a few of dollar bills out to the man, suddenly feeling all too out of his element.  _ He took tips, never gave them.  _ Turning his wrist over, the blonde took the bills from his hand, scraping his teeth along Sirius’ fingers as he trapped the money between his teeth.

“Thanks, Sugar,” the man drawled, his voice just as smooth and sensual as the rest of him. 

“You’re welcome,” Sirius rasped, his voice having left him in that moment, the  _ greek god looking man _ in front of him confiscating his ability to speak.

Swinging his legs off of the table, he sauntered back to the center of the stage, briefs full of dollar bills, Sirius couldn’t stop  _ looking.  _ The song,  _ Okay  _ by Chase Atlantic, was drawing to a close, and it was time for the man to leave the stage. Erotic as ever, he pulled the bills from the waistband of his briefs dropping them to the floor, turning so that his back was facing the audience. As the final beat of the song dropped, the dancer dropped his briefs, exposing his bare ass to the crowd, leaving Sirius just enough time to look before the lights of the club went completely dark.

Sitting in near complete silence and total darkness, Lily lets out a barking laugh, “Moony!” She exclaims. Before he can help himself, Sirius is laughing, too.  _ Moony.  _ Of course. 


	2. Getting Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got to admit it's getting better  
> A little better all the time 
> 
> OR
> 
> Sirius Confronts Some Demons and a cute boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIII I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT ITS TERRIBLY UNEDITED THANK U FOR READING

Sirius fumbled with the keys to the apartment, hands shaking slightly as he forced the key into the lock. He always shook a little bit after meetings. It wasn’t something that he was ashamed of, necessarily, just something that he had to get used to. The backpack on his shoulders felt unbearably heavy, despite it only containing a water bottle, journal, his wallet and pencil case. Nevertheless, it felt almost as if the leather straps were cutting into him. Exhaustion: that was something that came with the process,  _ healing.  _ Lily and everyone else around him had assured him that it was necessary, you know, healing. But, there was something about it that felt overly strenuous today, almost to the point that it felt as though it was crushing him. 

He wanted to stop going to meetings, wanted to stop seeing the necessary professionals, wanted to just go back to feeling like he was constantly floating above his body, somewhere far, far,  _ far,  _ away from this cripplingly heavy plane that he lived in. But, every single time he debated quitting, he remembered the looks of disappointment that Lily gave him, sighing and nodding,  _ understanding.  _

_ “You’re not ready to get better yet.”  _ she would sigh, looking at him with tears in her eyes. 

_ “I know.”  _ He would answer, a cry bubbling up in the back of his throat, but he’d hold it back.  _ “Lily, I’m sorry.” _

But, Sirius knew that this time would be different. It had to be. He was doing better than he ever had in the past, sticking to a schedule, doing things he was supposed to, and more importantly  _ not doing the things  _ that he  _ wasn’t  _ supposed to be doing, and it was paying off. He was nearing the year mark, but nothing felt easier, nothing felt different, nothing felt  _ rewarding,  _ nothing felt real. But, he knew how fast things could crumble out from underneath of him; Sirius understood how easily a sweet thing could turn sour. 

But, hey.  _ So far so good,  _ as Marlene would say.

Finally, he got the door open, only to find Severus on the couch with a couple of friends, angrily yelling at the television screen, Xbox controllers grasped firmly in their hands. Annoyance coarsed through him, but he ignored it, knowing he was just irritable… as usual. Closing the door as quietly as he could, doing his best to ignore the noise of the men on the couch, his headache, the hunger pangs in his stomach, the sounds and feelings of  _ life  _ that seemed to be swaddling him. Sirius walked over to the fridge, pausing, staring at the few pictures that adorned the front of it, stuck haphazardly to the metal with different colored magnets. 

His eyes lingered on a photo from a vacation up to the mountains a couple of winters ago. Lily had used her bonus from working overtime to book a spontaneous trip. The picture in front of him was still one of Sirius’ very favorites. The photo was of him and Marlene, both grinning ear to ear, cheeks red from the brisk cold, puffy coats shielding the two of them from the intense wind and thick snowflakes. They both looked completely different now, Sirius’ hair  _ much  _ longer, Marlene much more pregnant, but the smiles were always the same. At least, Sirius’ was. 

He stared back at the Sirius in the photo, taking note of how sunken in his eyes were, the etiolation of his cheeks, and horridly yellowed teeth. He barely recognized the  _ child  _ staring back at him: the child that cursed every moment that he was awake, but never had the courage to do anything about it. He was barely twenty, smoking like a chimney, an unfortunate habit that he’d yet to kick completely, and desperately in love with a lifestyle that would nearly kill him. Despite it all, the Sirius in the photo looked so inexplicably  _ happy,  _ his eyes squinty and bright, his smile genuine. But, there was something about that weekend, that rare moment of clarity during the  _ months _ that he wouldn’t end up remembering, that always snapped him back to reality. If it weren’t for that weekend, he doubts anything would’ve changed. He’d be a bag of bones pumped full of booze, sometimes strung out on narcotics, stumbling through every performance, falling into bed every night with a man that he  _ really didn’t even know.  _ There was something about that weekend that finally reattached him to the ground, tethered him to a reality that he was begging to leave, but refused to let its grip on him loosen. 

And, maybe it was the rose-colored glasses that Sirius refused to take off, but maybe it really was something about that weekend that made him feel…  _ real, _ and undeniably  _ Sirius  _ for the first time in his life. He was with people that  _ cared,  _ with people that  _ loved him.  _

“How was Marlene?” 

Sirius nearly touches the ceiling with the way he jumps, startled by Lily’s presence, completely pulling him from his little daydream. “Christ you scared me,” He breathes, laughing slightly, turning around to face her. “She was fine. It was the same as usual,” He hums, realizing he’s still shouldering his bag, letting it slip off of his back and into his free hands. 

“Well…” Lily chews on the inside of her cheek. “I’m- I’m proud of you for continuing to go.” 

“Thanks.” Sirius murmurs, suddenly feeling suffocated by the large amount of space between him and Lily. A piece of him longed to reach out and just take her hand, touch her arm, something,  _ anything,  _ to remind him that this was a real moment, that this was happening, that  _ he  _ was happening. But he doesn’t. 

“It’s a good thing, Siri,” She soothes, and suddenly he can’t hold her gaze. He nods, turning to look at the clock that hung above the sink to his right. 

_ 1:43 pm. _

He watched the second had tick steadily downwards as the seconds passed, eventually finding the strength to tear his eyes away from the red hand, turning back to Lily. She stood in front of him, strong and recklessly unassuming. “Do you want to go get lunch?” Sirius asks, tugging his bottom lip in between his teeth.

“I already ate, but I am  _ more  _ than happy to come sit with you,” Lily smiles softly, running a hand through her wild, red hair. She had a knack for knowing exactly what Sirius needed to hear at that moment. “Where do you wanna get food from?” 

“I was thinking maybe that cute little cafe… the um…” Sirius snapped his fingers together, suddenly flushing red. 

“Honeydukes?” Lily asks, grinning back at Sirius. 

“Yes!!” He giggles, his eyes lighting up, shaking his head. “God, sometimes I swear-I swear my brain is the size of a fucking almond.” 

“No way!” Lily exclaims, batting his shoulder playfully. “Give yourself more credit! It’s at  _ least _ the size of a walnut!” 

Sirius groans, throwing his head back, chuckling, “Fuck you, Evans.” 

“You  _ wish  _ you could.” She answers, smirking at him. 

“Oh what _ ever.  _ Let’s just get going, yeah?” he rolls his eyes.

“Of course. Let me grab my wallet, and we’ll walk over there.” Lily disappears from the small kitchen as quickly as she’d appeared, leaving Sirius standing alone, once again, the sounds of Sev and company echoing within his ears. 

____

“Okay, but you totally thought he was hot, didn’t you?” Lily squeals, taking a sip of her tea. 

“Well…  _ yeah,”  _ Sirius rolled his eyes, picking up the sandwich in front of him, taking a bite of it. “But that means relatively nothing.” 

“It’s not nothing!” Lily exclaims, setting the mug of tea down on the coaster in front of her. She looks up at Sirius, taking in his demeanor, not wanting to push further on something that wasn’t worth pushing about. His cheeks were full of color, in the best way possible, his jawline softened by sobriety and regular meals, his hair was fuller, falling in thick waves just past his shoulders. His lips were chapped, no doubt from chewing on them, but he looked  _ good.  _ He looked  _ healthy.  _ “If you think he’s attractive we should  _ do something  _ about it,” Lily says, noticing that Sirius had suddenly become very interested with the caprese sandwich in his hands. “I mean he came over to our table! That has to mean something, no?” 

“He’s not even into guys probably,” Sirius sighs, picking absentmindedly at the toasted crust on the sandwich in front of him. 

“That hasn’t stopped you before!” Lily blurts, nearly cutting Sirius’ statement off. Sirius looks down, biting down on his bottom lip a little bit too hard, the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. Backpedaling as quickly as she could, Lily adds, “And… you haven’t been seeing anyone… and it’s been like that for a while, and I just figured-”

“I’m not…” Sirius cuts in, sighing, taking a moment to decide how much he really wanted to tell Lily in that moment. There was so much he  _ could say,  _ so many excuses he could make, but that in itself was  _ so  _ exhausting. “I’m not going to date a _ stripper.” _ is what he settles on, picking up his mug of coffee. 

That in itself was a blatant lie, Sirius had absolutely no qualms with dating someone in a similar industry to him, but there was so much that he  _ couldn't bring himself to address.  _ Sirius knew better than to get attached to someone, knew better than to link himself to a person. There was something that was so utterly  _ dangerous  _ to him about love, about companionship, about all of it. It was like the idea of being tethered to someone, then having it all evaporate right in front of you, having someone to call home for so long, and then understanding the possibility of it vanishing to nothingness. A breakdown like that, a vacuum that would suck him into being alone again, something that would push him to the outside, push him out of his skin, out of his head. Never again. If he could help it, Sirius Black would  _ die _ before ever loving someone like that again. 

If he could help it, it would never have to come to that. 

Lily sighs, “Alright.” She fiddles with the tab of the tea bag sitting in her mug. “I just thought-”

“Plus…” Sirius interrupts her. “Minerva tells me that using sex as a coping mechanism isn’t healthy, and that I need to start seeing myself as something more than a prize to be won… you know like an _ object.” _ He murmurs into the mug, sort of just putting it out there, but sort of also hoping that Lily wouldn’t hear. 

“I’m not saying that you  _ have _ to have sex with him, Sirius.” 

“Like I know how to do anything else,” Sirius scoffs, looking away from Lily and down at the worn wood paneling of the cafe floor. 

An awkward silence settles between them, leaving nothing to do except for a sick, melancholy feeling to bubble up in the back of Sirius’ throat. He watched Lily tuck a short piece of red hair behind her ear, only for it fall in front of her eyes again. She chews on the side of her cheek, eyebrows knitting together. Sirius debates saying something, wanting to stop her from feeling bad, wanting to assure her that she hadn’t said anything wrong, but he was irritable… as usual. 

“I just don’t want you to be  _ lonely,”  _ Lily says after a moment, the pain in her voice making her words crumble off of the edges of her lips. “I want you to…  _ have someone.” _

_ Lonely.  _ Funny that, the idea of loneliness. Sirius shook his head, beginning to chew slightly on his bottom lip. “I appreciate that,” He replies curtly, fingers moving to find a ridge in the mahogany table top of the booth they were sitting at. Rubbing his finger through it, he looks back up at her, “But, I’m fine, Lily.” 

“You know, the last time I heard that, I found you face-down in the bathtub-” Lily chuckles nervously, swirling her tea, giving Sirius a knowing look, a weak attempt at something to break the tension between the two of them. It didn’t do much except make Sirius’ stomach clench involuntarily. The sourness of something he couldn’t put his finger on, rushed across his tongue. He swallows thickly, choking down whatever was coming up, feelings, thoughts, emotions, and bile mostly. 

_ “I said  _ I’m fine _.”  _ Sirius grits, his hand clenching into a fist, coming to rest against the table. Now wasn’t the time to pick a fight. He was getting better at that, leaving things where they were meant to be left. Dropping it. 

“I need a smoke,” Sirius breathes, rubbing the palms of his hands against the front of his jeans. He stands up, leaving his sandwich half eaten, walking towards the door of the cafe, the little bell above the entrance jingling as he exited. The air was unusually brisk for early September, and it almost figures that it’d be that way, the brisk wind curling around Sirius, sinking into his bones.

Sirius pulled the beat up carton of cigarettes from his back pocket, feeling around for the lighter in the front pocket of his jean jacket. Pulling out a cigarette, placing it against his bottom lip, flicking the lighter open, doing the thing he’d done to cope since he was sixteen.  _ Breathe.  _ His eyes almost crossed, watching the end of the smoke glow red and then nearly white, the harder he sucked on the damn thing. 

He breathed out a cloud of smoke into the air, watching it blend in with the grey of the sky. Sirius took the cigarette in between his fingers, watching the end of it burn up, embers falling onto the damp grey concrete. Dragging a foot over the ash, he watches the red become black, and his vision blurs slightly. Because, suddenly he’s blinking back thick, heavy tears, throwing his head back, he tries to keep them from falling down his face. 

It wasn’t normally like this. He swears that he didn’t normally feel like this, that the thoughts in his head would stay there, rather than making their way down to his tear ducts and through his mouth. And it wasn’t even that he was sad, it was something else entirely: at least, he thought so. It was a suffocating feeling of being chained to a reality that he so very desperately found himself suffocated by, a plane that was so entirely stifling that sometimes it hurt to  _ exist  _ sometimes. 

Sirius brought a hand up to wipe the tear that had fallen down his right cheek, dropping the cigarette onto the pavement, stamping it out angrily with the toe of his boot. “This is embarrassing,” he groans out loud to himself, shaking his head, squishing the butt of the cigarette further. 

Sighing to himself, he breathes in through his nose, then out again through his nose. Again and again and again, until the edges of his vision are clear and his tongue doesn’t feel so thick in his mouth. Sirius turns and reaches for the door handle, pushing back into the little cafe, to rejoin Lily at the booth in the back corner. 

“Sorry, about that-” He says, only Lily cuts him off. 

“My fault.” she replies, smiling softly at Sirius. 

“No… I shouldn’t have erm…” he trails off, biting his lip, sinking back into the booth. “I suppose there are more things I should probably talk to Marlene about,” He laughs, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I think that might be best,” Lily laughs, her foot softly touching the side of Sirius’ leg underneath the table. A silence settles between the two of them, but not an awkward one, it’s comfortable this time, nothing is forced, nothing is left unsaid. 

“Thanks.” Sirius says after a moment of silence, smiling up at Lily. 

“Of course,” Lily grins then reaches across the table to pick up one of the halves of Sirius’ uneaten sandwich. “You gonna eat this?” 

Before Sirius could even answer, Lily was already sinking her teeth in. 

___

Sirius stared at his reflection in the mirror, he watched the way the tattoos on his right arm sort of rippled every time he’d move the slightest bit. He watched the skin shift slightly, almost moving the tattoos, as he clenched and unclenched his fist, flexing the muscle within his forearm. The angel tattooed there was good sized and hard to miss, but that was okay, it was Sirius’ favorite anyways, not that it mattered, considering his arms were always covered. 

Lifting his head, he checked over his appearance again, the grey tee-shirt he wore hung loosely off of his shoulders, it was much too big for him, the hem of it stopping about mid thigh, the short sleeves reaching all the way to his elbows. He had a pair of gym shorts on and fuzzy socks on his feet, nowhere near ready to go to work, seeing as he was supposed to be leaving in a matter of minutes and should have been tucked, prepped for a wig cap, with nails on by now. 

“Sirius!” Lily shouted from somewhere in the kitchen. “We’re leaving in fifteen!” 

Shaking his head, he left his bedroom, socks shuffling across the linoleum flooring in the small hallway leading to the kitchen. “I don’t think I can go in today,” He said hoarsely, running a hand through his hair, looking up at Lily, a sudden wave of guilt washing over him. She stood against the island, hair done, makeup on, dressed to the nines as per usual. She looked stunning, ready to _work,_ taking bites from a macaroni and cheese microwavable cup. And what had he done that day? Gone to a meeting with his sponsor, got into a fight with his best friend, ate half of a caprese sandwich, and then laid down on his bed and stared at the wall for nearly four hours, acting no more alive than a corpse. 

“Oh, dear,” Lily sighs, setting down the mac-and-cheese cup on the counter, walking over to where Sirius stood at the edge of the kitchen. “Did you call in?” 

“Sort of…” Sirius shrugs, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I asked Preston if he could switch shifts, and I’ll take his tomorrow night, but he never responded. So, I texted Barty and told him that I was sick, but he said that if I didn’t find someone to cover my hours then he’d dock my pay-” He begins to choke on his words, swallowing thickly. “I could’ve asked Amos to cover, but I felt bad, cause he’s been working most nights, closing, you know… and-and I’ve just been trying to talk myself up for the last hour to get dressed but I just feel like I literally  _ can’t,  _ it’s like-” 

“No offense, pumpkin, you are in no shape to work right now,” Lily soothes, softly touching Sirius’ arm. “Look, text Pres again and I’ll see what I can do when I get there. I know things haven’t been the best since Barty took over, but I  _ know you,  _ and you are not in a condition to give your best performance right now.” 

Sirius nods, pulling the phone from his shorts pocket, sending a quick follow up text to Preston. 

**To Preston Fawley:**

**hey pres ik its not super great timing but its literally an emergency and ill literally take ur shift tomorrow or whenever im off that ur on ,, i just rlly need you to do me this solid or i will not be able to make rent bc crouch is gonna dock my pay. ill even take ur shift on saturday, too, i just rlly rlly rlly can not take the pay cut. dude im so sorry**

Sirius slips the phone back into his pocket, “I sent the text,” he sighs, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I’m never like this, I don’t know what’s wrong with me-”

“Hey,” Lily cuts him off, taking both of his hands in hers. “What you are absolutely  _ not  _ going to do right now is feel guilty for the way you’re feeling.”

“I’m probably fine! It’s probably all in my head and-” 

“Absolutely not. None of that.” Lily shakes her head. “Look, if worst comes to worst, you start getting ready now, and then call a cab, and you’re a little late. That’s the absolute  _ worst _ case, yeah? I know you can’t drive, otherwise I’d take a cab and leave you the car but-” 

“Yeah, I suppose. I’m always early because I come with you.” Sirius replies, nodding, turning it over in his head. “I’d ask you to wait with me, but I know you have to open the bar, and I’ve probably already made you late.” 

“If I’m late, I’m late,” Lily decides, dropping Sirius’ hands finally. “I can help you get ready for 10 minutes, and then just hope it’s a slow night, yeah?” 

“You’d- you’d do that?” Sirius asks, suddenly closer to real tears than he’d been all day, a warm feeling spreading across his chest and down his spine. 

“Of course! Come on, you start gluing your nails and I’ll start prepping your hair for a wig cap.” 

____

Sirius was three nails in, and Lily had just finished french braiding his hair and was beginning to mix up some hair spray to lay down his fly-away hairs, when his phone began to buzz from the nightstand. Sirius reached for it, seeing a text from Preston light up the screen. 

**From Preston Fawley:**

**Omg omg omg I just woke up from a nap this is TOTALLY TOTALLY my bad!!!! Ofc I'll cover for you! I'm gonna start getting ready rn!! Ill let crouch know im covering bc ik you don’t go on til like 9 anyways so it should be fine!! I totally got you bb <33 Take care of yourself **

**P.S. if you could take my shift next monday I’d literally pay you millions of dollars like its me and the hubs anniversary so if you could possibly take my shift then I’d be forever indebted to u!!!!!!! But that’s beside the point! Take care of yourself babe ! See you soon xo**

Sirius couldn’t help the heavy sigh of relief that he breathed out. 

“Preston?” Lily asked, hopefully, setting the can of hairspray down on the vanity. 

“Yeah, he’ll cover my shift tonight, and asked if I could take his Monday,” Sirius replied, going to type out a quick reply to Preston. 

**To Preston Fawley:**

**i quite literally owe u my life ! ur the best !! thank u thank u thank u ! i will 200000% take ur monday :)) have a good night**

“That’s such a fucking relief,” Lily hums, smiling down at Sirius. “Hey, at least you can enjoy your night off with pretty hair,” She chuckles, patting at the plaiting that fell just above his shoulders. 

“Yeah,” Sirius laughs, smiling softly up at her. He watches a smile spread over her features, as she beams down at him. “Thank you.” He hums. 

“Please. It’s no problem, you know that,” Lily replies, hugging him softly around his shoulders. “Okay! I have to run, but I’ll text you when I leave M’s later… although, I hope you’ll be sleeping by then.” she chirps, grabbing her purse from off of Sirius’ dresser and heading towards the door. 

“Lily?” Sirius calls from his perch in front of his vanity. 

“Yeah?” Lily whips around from the doorway, eyes inquisitive. She looked slightly exasperated, one hand braced against the door frame. Sirius shook his head, laughing a little. 

“Love you,” he answers, sending her a genuine smile, hoping she could hear how much he really meant it. 

One of the biggest smiles that Sirius had ever seen spread across Lily’s features, something behind her eyes lighting up in a way that he hadn’t seen in a while, an expression of overwhelming joy washing over her face. “I love you too,” She squeaked, running back over to Sirius and engulfing him in a bone crushing hug. 

Proceeding to kiss the crown of his head, she stood up in front of him, “Text me if you need anything.” 

“Yes,  _ mom,”  _ Sirius rolls his eyes, playfully, looking up at her. “See you tomorrow morning! Now go! Before you’re like  _ really, really  _ late,” He laughs, shooing her off towards the door. 

“Right!” She giggles, rushing out of Sirius’ room, and into the hallway. From somewhere in the apartment, she calls, “Love you!” just before a loud slam of the front door nearly shakes the walls of Sirius’ room. 

“Love you, too,” Sirius whispers to no one in particular, simply speaking the reciprocation into the universe. 

____

Remus should’ve understood that if he was going to the store to get a week's worth of groceries, that it would require a cart,  _ not a basket,  _ but sometimes, he didn’t think too far ahead into the future. And it wasn't his fault really, I mean until he started living on his own, he never had to do his own shopping. But there he was, standing in the dairy aisle of his local Whole Foods, with a much too heavy basket under his arm. There were only like three more things on his list, and reasonably he could  _ probably _ just go get a cart and transfer the items from the basket into the cart, but there was something about the idea of an employee watching him do that… 

No. The embarrassment just wasn’t worth it, he could deal with sore arms. Plus, he hadn’t worked out his upper body that day, so he supposed lugging around this heavy basket could maybe sort of count. But then again, the way that the basket was so awkward to carry, he couldn’t tell what would look more stupid: him transferring the groceries in his basket to a cart, or him walking awkwardly with a heavy ass fucking basket with groceries falling out. It was days like this that he wishes he wasn’t so fucking tall. 

Remus shuddered, turning his attention from the basket he was carrying back to the Milk in front of him. There were so many brands… who knew there could be  _ so many kinds  _ of just  _ Oat Milk…  _ how was he supposed to decide which kind of regular oat milk was the best? He supposed that he could just buy whichever was the cheapest. 

He wasn’t picky persay, but it took a lot to get his body to look the way it does, and he knew he had to keep eating the way he did or he was gonna have to start working out more, and that just didn’t sound like much fun. He knew Gideon said once that he worked out like three times per day, and Remus nearly had to pick up his jaw off of the ground. He knew James lifted every single day, religiously, same with mostly everyone else he worked with, but Remus probably lifted twice a week, going for a run every morning before breakfast. The idea of having to lift more than he currently was disgusted him; the exercise itself was already like pulling teeth, but he did it to look like he did for the job he fell in love with. 

Apparently, he’d been sitting there pondering Oat Milk for too long, as a timid, “Excuse me,” came from behind him. 

“Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry,” He rushes out, moving out of the way of whoever was obviously just trying to get their fucking oat milk, who probably knew a whole hell of a lot more about shopping at this kind of a store than he did. Remus turned toward the stranger, trying to see if they looked even mildly-friendly enough to possibly give him information on what kind of milk was best. 

By most peoples’ standards, the man standing next to him would’ve been considered average height, and maybe even tall, but Remus practically dwarfed him, the very top of the man’s head probably reaching Remus’ nose. He had soft, nearly ethereal features, including a pronounced brow bone, sharp jawline, celestial nose, and a defined cupid’s bow. His cheeks were dusted in a soft rose color, no doubt from the chilled night air outside. Remus noted the way his shoulders slumped forward, his large eyes almost looked like they were fighting to stay open, lips chapped to the point where it nearly looked painful. He was wearing a grey beanie, black hoodie and a pair of pajama pants, but if you really looked at him, it looked more like the clothes were wearing him, hanging off of his bones like clothes on a clothesline. He carried nothing but a basket holding a box of cheerios and a bag of these kale chips that Remus had always thought were nasty. 

But to each their own, it wasn’t Remus’ job to judge this  _ beautiful  _ man on what he put into his body. 

“Don’t worry about it,” the man says, his voice deeper than Remus expected, and  _ achingly  _ familiar for some reason. Remus didn’t really realize he was staring, not until the man had grabbed his milk and brushed past remus without a second thought, basically floating into the next aisle. The entire side of Remus’ arm tingled as the softness of the man’s hoodie brushed against his own arm. Something about the dark-haired man left him standing, stunned in the milk aisle, a faint flush creeping onto his cheeks. 

Shaking it off, so as to not be blocking the milk further, Remus went to pick up the rest of his things. He just needed a couple more items, then he could check out, and be on his way home, already forgetting the entire embarrassing experience. 

The man appeared again as Remus was examining some blueberries, he grabbed a crate of raspberries and then left Remus’ space as quickly as he’d entered it. His feet clunking heavily against the tile flooring, and Remus nearly chuckled at the way his outfit looked, his heavy Doc Martens up against the soft plaid pajama pants was just not a juxtaposition that Remus was used to. He shook his head, going back to tending to his blueberries. 

Remus noticed his grey beanie entering the aisle again, as Remus was grabbing his last item, coffee beans. He looked up, his gaze meeting the man’s, his eyes were large, glassy and red-rimmed, but they were a startling icy blue-grey. The man’s eyes flickered to the floor as he walked over to where Remus stood. 

“You know,” Remus turns and looks at him. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were following me,” He chuckles, tossing his bag of coffee beans into his basket.

Sirius' cheeks bloom pink at the recognition of his presence. It had been a mere coincidence that he’d somehow found a way to run into James’ beautiful friend three times in the middle of a Whole Foods on a Thursday night in September. “Oh god,” is all Sirius can say, his throat tight with the pressure of embarrassment. 

“I’m just messing,” Remus says playfully, sensing Sirius’ discomfort. “Just a funny coincidence, no?” 

“I- yeah, I suppose it is,” Sirius smiles, curtly, already overly embarrassed that he had to be seen on one of his down days as it is, but now he’s run into  _ Mr. Wolfsmund,  _ who he, unfortunately, definitely hadn’t stopped thinking about. Even worse, the guy definitely didn’t recognize him, and that was fine, he didn’t even recognize himself at the moment. But, honestly, it made it all the more embarrassing. 

“Let me guess, now you’re going to check out?” Remus asks, one side of his mouth quirking upwards into a smirk. 

“How did you-?”   


“Lucky guess.” Remus grins, leaving the aisle and walking towards self-check out. Sirius, now red as a tomato, shuffles behind the tall sandy-blonde to pay for his own groceries. 

The only open self check-out register is the one directly to the right of Remus, and he can’t help but smile as the man sets down his groceries and begins to check out. “So I was right!” He chuckles, putting his loaf of bread into a paper sack. 

“Yeah,” Sirius mumbles, quietly, holding back the soft smile threatening to spread across his lips.

“Say, stranger with a very similar grocery list to me, will you be paying in cash today?” Remus asks, scanning the coffee beans before dropping them into the paper bag with the bread. 

“I always pay in cash,” Sirius laughs, looking up at Remus, no longer able to hold back the soft smile. “What makes you ask?” 

“Well, my job pays in mostly cash, so I was just… wondering if our lives were strangely similar as well…” 

“Next you’re gonna tell me you got your license revoked, so you don’t drive,” Sirius says quickly, laughter shaking his lithe frame, his eyes growing wider and wider by the second, soft giggles escaping his lips. He brings a bony hand up to cover his mouth. 

“Well, I actually  _ don’t  _ drive,” Remus chuckles, pulling out his wallet, wading through a stack of ones, beginning to insert his twenty-dollar bills into the cash-slot of the register. “But, it’s not because of my license getting revoked…” he laughs. 

“Damn,” Sirius shakes his head, picking up his paper bag of groceries. “And here I thought maybe we were twin flames,” he says sarcastically, mocking a wistful glance at Remus.

“Hey hey! Not so fast,” Remus shoots Sirius a playful look, picking up his paper sacks and walking towards the exit of the self check-out area. He stops, waiting for Sirius to finish bagging up his groceries. “Maybe there’s more that we have in common that you just don’t know about!”

Grabbing his bag, Sirius walks over to where Remus stood. “Oh like what?” 

“Well, what’s your name?”

“Slow your roll, cowboy,” Sirius laughs, shaking his head, making his way to the exit. “If we have the same name, then I’m buying a fucking lottery ticket and moving to Spain.” 

“Me too,” Remus laughs, smiling softly at Sirius. “My family has a thing for weird names,” He hums, shrugging at Sirius. 

“My full name is Sirius Orion,” Sirius deadpans, raising an eyebrow at Remus. “You think  _ your  _ family has a thing for weird names?”

“Well Sirius Orion,” Remus huffs. “I’m Remus John,” He beams, doing a little fake courtesy with all of his grocery bags in hand. “And, I’m deeply sorry for ruining your trip to Spain.” 

Sirius laughs at that, a real, hearty laugh that he can feel in his chest. “Remus John, it was probably for the best anyways.” 

“Sirius Orion, where are you headed?” Remus asks, realizing that they were aimlessly standing in the middle of a nearly empty Whole Foods parking lot at 8:51 pm on a Thursday night in September. 

“Remus John,” Sirius breathes, shaking his bag of groceries. “I am headed home in my  _ miserable  _ outfit to my  _ miserable _ apartment to have a bowl of  _ miserable _ cereal and watch  _ miserable _ reality television.” 

It’s Remus’ turn to bark out a laugh this time, “Reality television?”

Sirius sighs dramatically, “All the things we share, and it  _ couldn’t be  _ an unabashed love of awful reality television?” 

“I suppose not,” Remus shakes his head, a perfect grin still spread across his mouth. Sirius took note of his eyes in that moment, the both of them washed in the orange glow of the street lamps overhead. Remus’ eyes had looked like a warm mahogany brown in the bleached lighting of the grocery store, but now they practically  _ blazed  _ gold. “I love Survivor… if that counts as reality television.” 

_ “Of course  _ you love Survivor,” Sirius scoffs, biting his lip to keep a grin. “On that note, I’ve gotta go… I don’t know if I can be seen with someone like you I’ve-”

_ “What!”  _ Remus cries out, laughing through his dopey grin. “All the similarities, and you’re throwing it away over  _ Survivor?” _

Sirius fakes a gasp, “It’s a  _ very  _ important topic to me!” 

“I thought we had something beautiful here-” 

“Not another word!” Sirius sticks out his free hand, holding back soft giggles. 

“Sirius Orion-” Remus shouts, but Sirius cuts him off. 

“How dare you use my name in vain?” 

Remus nearly drops his groceries, shaking his head in complete and utter amusement of the young man standing in front of him. “You are something else.” 

“So I’ve been told,” Sirius hums, feigning annoyance, rolling his eyes. 

As if it were even possible, Remus’s grin grows, the apples of his freckled cheeks reddening. A comfortable silence settles between them, and in that moment, it seems that all Remus can do is stare at the magnificent man in front of him. He finally got a good look at the hoodie that was hanging off of Sirius, it read “Madame Malkin’s” in big, white block letters. 

“Hey, your sweatshirt,” Remus observed, tilting his head to the side. “That’s that place on 26th, no?” 

There’s a couple of beats of silence, Sirius’ gaze flickering between Remus and the ground, the tips of his ears turning a violent shade of pink. “Yes.” He states, shoving his free hand in his pocket. “Obviously, I wasn’t planning on  _ seeing  _ anyone I knew so I just… threw a sweatshirt on from work.”

“Hold on,” Remus says, exasperated. “Let me get this straight, you  _ also  _ work at a nightclub?” 

Another pause. “Yes.” 

“Oh my fucking god,” Remus laughs. “You really  _ are  _ something else!” He exclaims, eyebrows raised in amazement. “Now don’t tell me you’re a stripper or something ‘cause then I’ll  _ really  _ think we’re twin flames or something.” 

“I’m not.” Sirius says, curtly. “I’ve got to get back to my- my uhm apartment, but it was… it was nice meeting you, Remus John,” He smiles softly in Remus’ direction. 

“Hey wait- I’m sorry!” Remus shouts after Sirius who took off  _ much  _ too abruptly for his liking. “I didn’t mean to-” 

Sirius turns around, bottom lip tucked in between his teeth. “If I gave you my number would you call me?” 

“What?” Remus asks, suddenly taken aback by the whirlwind of different actions.

“If… If I gave you my number would you call me?” Sirius repeats again, less confident this time. 

Remus stands there in silence for a moment, blinking back at this man holding a Whole Foods paper sack, dressed in pajamas and combat boots that worked at a nightclub, didn’t have a driver’s license, and also had a strange name. “Of-of course I would.” He replies, sounding strangely breathless for a guy who has been standing in the middle of a parking lot completely stationary for the past ten minutes. 

Slowly, Sirius walks over to Remus, “I’ll give you mine if you give me yours,” He says, then immediately smacks a hand over his mouth.  _ “Not like that!”  _ He rushes, backpedaling. 

But, Remus is already laughing, nose scrunching up slightly, eyes squinting at the sides, “Sirius Orion, it would be my  _ pleasure  _ to give you my number.” 

“Remus John, the pleasure is all mine.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it:’) xxx


	3. If I Fell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true?
> 
> OR 
> 
> This was definitely a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY A LITTLE CW BEFORE YOU READ THIS CHAPTER: THERE ARE BRIEF MENTIONS OF A MAN GRABBING SIRIUS INAPPROPRIATELY BUT IVE STARRED THE SECTION LIKE THIS *** SO YOU CAN SKIP IT IF NEED BE. NOTHING TOO GRAPHIC JUST GIVING YOU GUYS A HEADS UP. 
> 
> Anyways this is unedited :) but i hope you guys enjoy it !!!

** Thursday, September 17 **

** 9:31 p.m **

**Bold = Sirius**

Regular = Remus

(9:27) how’s your miserable tv on your miserable couch?

(9:28)  **pretty swell actually ! yes, keeping up with the kardashians, my favorite miserable television show**

(9:28) It really is miserable… they’re all so… annoying 

(9:29)  **oh but don’t you just ~love~ it ? like come on !**

(9:29) I can’t really say that I do… I find most of them rather flimsy (personality-wise)

(9:30)  **oh but that’s the whole point isn’t it ? theyre all so insufferably horrible that it makes me feel so much better about who i am as a human being**

(9:31) I’m sure you’re a fine human being Sirius Orion

(9:32)  **remus john, i reckon it depends on who you ask**

(9:32) Well, I suppose it’s that way for everyone, I mean… I’m sure there are plenty of people who aren’t my biggest fans

(9:34)  **i am highly doubtful that there are people in this world that don’t like you, remus john**

(9:45) I suppose you’d be surprised… you barely know me anyhow! 

(9:46)  **hmm,,, i suppose you’ve got a point,,, i have just met you, you could kill me at any time and i’d never have seen it coming**

(9:47) Oh god, well I don’t plan on KILLING YOU if that’s what you’re implying… 

(9:47)  **i suppose that’s somewhat of a relief on my end, to know that the stranger I met at Whole Foods isn’t going to kill me the next chance he gets…**

(9:48)  **so, remus john, what are you up to?**

(9:48) Well, Sirius Orion, I’m currently sitting on my couch, watching reruns of Survivor (I suppose you’ve inspired me)… you know, like a heathen

(9:49)  **LIKE A HEATHEN IS RIGHT**

(9:50)  **ok maybe i overreacted a bit,,, just bc you have heathenous tendencies doesn’t necessarily mean ur a full on heathen**

(9:58)  **christ on a cracker ive scared you off**

(10:20) You haven’t scared me off!! Sorry I’ve just got my mate on the phone

(10:24)  **my apologies, mr. remus, sir,,, i worry that ive come on too strong**

(10:25) No need for worries, Messr Sirius, I promise

(10:25)  **whew ! almost had me there**

(10:26) Now, back to my heathenous activities… you know, watching survivor and such

(10:38) You know, I really don’t understand your hatred for this show… it’s so good!

(10:44) Ah, I reckon you’ve probably hit the old proverbial hay, haven’t you?

(11:16) Goodnight, Sirius Orion:)

* * *

**Friday September 18**

**8:33 a.m.**

(8:33)  **OH my god !! i fell asleep im so sorry**

(8:34)  **you would not believe the shite day i had yesterday i needed the sleep holy mother of mary**

(8:34)  **it’s much too early into you knowing me to unpack ~all~ of that, however**

(8:34)  **tl;dr -- soz for falling asleep on you ! im much better conversationally on days not like yesterday, i promise !!**

(10:09) Oh god no need to be sorry for sleeping at a time when normal people sleep! I should be the one saying sorry! I mean... the spotty responses… my buddy was having a ~mental breakdown~ about some girl

(10:11) **must be some lucky woman aye ?** **if he’s friends with you he’s got to be quite the catch, Remus John**

(10:12) Psh, hardly, my dear Sirius Orion. James is quite literally a gigantic, chiselled adult baby! He comes complete with a lack of understanding of object permanence!

(10:12)  **hahahhahahahah so im hearing he lives his whole life like a damn dog in an elevator**

(10:14) If I’m being completely honest, he’s the biggest diva I’ve ever met, I mean full on dramatics. And he’s been freaking tf out about this girl for like four plus days… which I suppose challenges my hypothesis that James lacks basic knowledge of object permanence… 

(10:15) **i suppose that does indeed sort of throw a wrench in that theory, doesn’t it?**

(10:15) That it does, Sirius Orion. 

(10:16)  **tell me more about this james fellow, remus john**

(10:17) Bored of me already, Sirius Orion?

(10:17)  **lord no !! im just positively on the edge of my seat to hear all about this man who lives his entire life like a toddler on rollerskates**

(10:19) A TODDLER ON ROLLERSKATES! IM SCREAMING THATS AMAZING 

(10:20)  **i’m glad that u find humor in my witty remarks, remus john**

(10:25) Sirius Orion, you might just be the funniest person I’ve ever met 

(10:26)  **dont inflate my ego, its already big enough**

(10:26) No I’m being real! I’d quite literally pay you to make fun of James!

(10:26)  **u were gonna say “i'm being serious” weren’t you? its okay you can say it,,, lmfao**

(10:27)  **and on the front of getting paid for making fun of james,,, my hourly asking price is quite expensive darling, i dunno if you’d be able to stomach it**

(10:27) Bastard. 

(10:28)  **i usually prefer son of a bitch, but bastard is just as well i suppose**

(10:28) Are you always this insufferable at 10:28 in the morning?

(10:29)  **no, actually, remus john,,, if you were listening you’d know i had quite the shite day yesterday, so i'm actually a bit off my customary A Game**

(10:31) So you’re telling me that you’re usually ~more~ of an inglorious bastard…?

(10:33)  **i said nothing of the sort ! those are your words… not mine !**

(10:34) Sirius Orion, what have I gotten myself into… 

(10:35)  **i suppose youll have to find out for yourself, wont you?**

Remus stared down at the phone in his hands, shaking his head, not knowing exactly  _ what  _ he’d suddenly stumbled into. He felt a soft smile spread across his lips, a strange warmth extending from his chest to the bottom of his spine; clicking his phone closed and throwing it on his bed, Remus moved to his dresser to pull out some fresh clothes. He knew he needed to work out, he worked that night, and he’d really been skimping out on doing what he was supposed to be doing. He knew better than to get behind on his ‘regimen’ as James called it.

(10:44)  **what’s on the docket for you today, remus john?**

(10:45) I’m stretching for my workout rn:) I hate every second of working out, but it is what it is…

(10:46) Then I’ve got work tonight 

(10:47)  **work :// im working as well … how shite**

(10:47) Shite indeed 

(11:25) I hate doing back workouts 

(11:26)  **you can work out your back ? this is news to me**

(11:27) Yes. It blows. 

(11:28)  **hehe blows.**

(11:29) You disgusting WANKER

(11:29)  **oh remus,,, you have no idea**

Remus laughed out loud at that, wiping the sweat off of his face with his shirt. He hated working out, he hated his apartment complex’s gym, he hated working his back, he hated all of it. The only good part about it was the music and the time to think, other than that… there weren’t really a lot of redeeming qualities about it all. He was listening to Def Leppard, something he only did when it was  _ really  _ necessary, like ‘I can’t get out of bed because I’m  _ perfectly happy _ with my body’ necessary. And honestly, if it weren't for Def Leppard’s  _ Hysteria  _ album and James’ daily  _ “get out of bed and go do the work out I planned for you, you lazy fucker”  _ text… Remus is sure that none of this would ever get done. 

Setting his phone aside, he picked up the kettlebell in front of him, proceeding to begin his leg workout, holding the weight at chest level and squatting. His phone buzzed from on the weight bench, but he ignored it, knowing that he had to finish this set otherwise he’d get distracted and never get that day’s workout done. A wave of sweat trickled down his back, further soaking through the grey tank top that hung off of his shoulders.

Remus looked up at his reflection on the mirrors that covered the far wall of the gym area, he grimaced at how red his face got when he worked out like this. The pinkness of his cheeks spreading down the column of his neck, up to the tips of his ears, and across to the tops of his shoulders. A light sheen of sweat covered his reddening skin, his hair quickly dampening with every set of squats he did, his chest muscles rippling under the weight of the kettlebell gripped tightly in his hands. The scars that covered the majority of the right side of his body shifted as his biceps flexed, still keeping a hold of the huge kettlebell. His core muscles quivered, his back ached from the previous sets, and honestly, all that was getting him through was the music in his earbuds and the idea of a warm shower as soon as he was done. 

His phone buzzed again from its perch on the weight bench.

(11:30)  **for my own curiosity’s sake ,,, what’s your astrological sign**

(11:32)  **actually no i take it back i don’t want to know**

(11:33)  **you’re probably like a aries or something and that means there’s no WAY were going to get along**

(11:34)  **or WORSE,,, maybe you’re an LEO ,,, OH GOD**

(11:34)  **jfc now im spamming omf sorry**

(11:45)  **ok no no but in all seriousness… i do wanna know**

Remus laughed at the flurry of texts that had come through on his phone, he wiped his forehead with the hem of his tank top, moving to respond to Sirius’ spam. 

(11:50) Hi! I was finishing another set sorry 

(11:51) I think I’m a pisces… my bday is March 10th 

(11:51) I’m gonna look stupid as hell if that isn’t the date for pisces… 

(11:52)  **PISCES YES**

(11:52)  **you sensitive sweet soul**

(11:53) Pfft

(11:53)  **come on you’re totally a gentle giant arent you**

(11:53) I’m hardly a giant

(11:54)  **and he’s humble ! is there anything you CANT do?**

(11:55) … 6’4 is hardly giant 

(11:57)  **YOU’RE JOKINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG**

(11:57)  **sorry i had to excuse myself to scream……………………**

(11:58)  **6’4……………………………**

(11:59) And a half, but I’m not one for technicalities 

Remus clicked his phone off, walking over to pick up a couple of dumb bells. All he had left was biceps. All he had left was biceps. All he had left was biceps. All he had left was-

His phone buzzed again. 

It was too late, he’d already started his set.   


* * *

  
**Sunday September 20**

**3:22 am**

(3:21)  **im like really happy you decided to text me that day after we met i don’t think there’s any man in the world that had ever treated me like you do**

(3:22)  **it’s nice to have someone to talk to:) i owe you big time**

(3:22) Sirius this is too kind, you don’t owe me anything. 

(3:23) And I mean this in the kindest way possible, are you drunk?

(3:23)  **far from it, just feeling introspective after work i guess**

(3:24) Oh... Nice

(3:24) Why… Why are you awake?

(3:25)  **j got off work abt to get in the shower and try to wash off the feeling of hands all over me yknow?**

(3:26) I just got home too… twinning

(3:27)  **;)**

(3:35) Sirius. 

(3:36) Are you ok?

(3:37)  **shite night at work ill be ok <3**

(3:37) You sure?

(3:38)  **yes.**

(3:38) Hey I’m always here to listen if you need anything 

(3:39)  **goodnight x**

(3:41) Goodnight Sirius Orion

(3:41)  **thank you remus for everything , really it means a lot**

*** Sirius choked back a muffled sob, covering his mouth with his hand in a sick attempt to keep himself quiet so as to not wake Lily and Severus. He stared at himself in the reflection of the mirror in his bathroom, and he still looked like himself, but yet, his stomach threatened to pitch itself over into the toilet bowl behind him. There were smudges of kohl eyeliner that still remained around his eyes, but he couldn’t be bothered to clean them off, tear tracks staining his cheeks from the last 15 minutes of his time at home. He hadn’t started crying until he got home, arriving nearly an hour later than he would after working on a Saturday night. Everything had gone so wrong so quickly. 

Saying that it was a shit night at work was an understatement, he’d been grabbed and held down by the waist in the middle of his performance, while he was working the crowd, left to struggle against the older man’s grip. It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, you know an audience member getting just a little too handsy, or someone threatening a dancer, you know, the works; however, tonight had been  _ bad.  _ It wasn’t every day that someone would come in and the police would have to be called. It was something that was so incredibly out of the ordinary, but was sending Sirius into a tailspin. Madame Malkin’s had become a safe space for Sirius, a space for him to shed what he was every hour of the day otherwise, and step into something else, to become  _ someone else.  _ There was nothing like it, nothing like getting ready and getting to dance for people, to make money doing what he loved to do. ***

But there was always a downside, always. 

He knew he could go wake Lily, could ask her to just stay up with him until everything didn’t feel like it was going to eat him up from the inside out, could ask her to just stay with him. But, he didn’t want to bother her, he knew that things had been tough between her and Severus lately, and as much as Sirius hated the guy, he loved Lily and just wanted her happy. He felt another wave of tears roll down his face, one of them hitting the linoleum countertop beside the sink, leaving the world’s tiniest puddle of water. 

Sirius stared at his phone, lying face up next to his toothbrush. There was a tug in his stomach that told him to just pick up the phone and call someone,  _ call Remus,  _ his heart corrected. But, Sirius knew better than to put his faith in someone like this, knew better than to try to find his own salvation in a man like Remus. It didn’t work like that, and he knew better. After everything that had happened, Sirius knew better than to let anything like before happen again. 

Still, his hands shook as he picked up his toothbrush, attempting to brush his teeth, every so often biting down a little too hard on the plastic as a reverberation of a sob forced itself out of him. 

_ Just call Remus, he’s still awake.  _

Sirius stared at his phone, toothbrush clenched between his back molars, flipping it over in his mind. He reached for his phone before pulling his hand away again. 

No. 

Not tonight. 

Not ever. 

* * *

**Monday September 21**

**1:46 p.m.**

(1:46) Hey just checking in on you, are you alright?

Sirius couldn’t help but grin a little at the message, a pleasant giddiness pushing itself up against the edges of the smile that was slowly creeping across his face. He and Remus had been texting nonstop for the past couple of days, nearly every moment shrouded in Sirius’ shy flirting and Remus’ inability to reciprocate. At first, Sirius had almost felt discouraged, unable to tell if he even had any sort of chance with this man, unable to tell if there was something worth chasing after here. But, after a while, Remus’ texts had persisted, no matter the shy flirting. 

Sirius figures he probably wanted sex,  _ every guy wants sex, right?  _ And a part of him, the part deep down, the part Sirius desperately tried to bury, was nervous that sex would be  _ all he wanted,  _ but the part of himself that he showed to the world seemed rather okay with that prospect. It was normal, it was something he could handle, something that he wouldn’t get attached to. Sex was sex, and sex with non strings attached was what Sirius Black was best at. 

However, this message, this subtle show of affection had Sirius’ heart hammering wildly in his chest, almost as if for a moment he  _ could  _ want for something more, could reach out, could  _ feel  _ something more. His bony fingers typed out a short response. 

(1:47)  **im totally fine, was j a lil spooked last night ! thanks for checking in tho**

He sent the text without further thought, hoping it would get this whole ‘fake caring’ bit out of the way, and the two of them could go back to doing what they were doing before: mindlessly speaking to one another about common interests without things getting too painfully personal. 

(1:48) Okay just checking because my buddy said this morning that Madame Malkin’s had a bunch of police cars outside when he went home last night. So I was Just wondering and wanted to check on you. 

(1:49)  **that’s so sweet of you. thank you. but, i really am fine.**

Thankfully, the conversation seemed to have dropped, seeing as there was radio silence from Remus for a whole 18 minutes before he finally responded. 

(2:07) Ok random question 

(2:07)  **… yes ?**

(2:08) Are you interested in True Crime at all? I’m listening to a podcast while I work out, and idk if you’ve heard of the case of the man in room 1046 but this shit is BONKERS 

(2:08)  **oh my GOD the murder of Roland T. Owen**

(2:09) I think you mean Artemus Ogletree 

(2:09)  **ok i was literally OBSESSED WITH this case for like WEEKS my best friend wanted to KILL ME**

(2:10) Trust me I’ve done nothing but talk true crime with James since I found this podcast

(2:11)  **wait can u send me the link omfg**   
  


* * *

**Wednesday September 23**

**4:59 p.m.**

(4:59)  **ok but im not gonna sit here and tell you that i don’t listen to one direction in the shower because that would be a fucking boldfaced lie**

(4:59) Okay but One Direction in the shower HITS different 

(5:00) Especially their early work… there’s something about it 

(5:00)  **don’t tell me you prefer early one direction to the most superior album ever released to the general public,,,, the masterpiece that is FOUR**

(5:01) Bold of you to clock the fact that I like feeling ~happy~

(5:02)  **ok that’s completely fair honestly like there’s something simply immaculate about feeling like a twelve year old girl that just got asked out by the cute boy in her class**

(5:03)  **too niche?**

(5:04) A bit…? 

(5:05)  **my apologies, mr. remus, sir**

(5:05) No worries at all, Sirius Orion

Remus couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as he stared down at his phone screen, smiling at the texts between him and Sirius. It had been about four days of constant texting now, and something about it was indescribably  _ nice.  _ It was nice to wake up to a text from someone, fall asleep texting someone, just having someone outside of the work group chat to talk to. And honestly, Sirius made him laugh, whether it was his occasional out of pocket remarks or snide quips about nearly  _ anything, _ there was something about Sirius’ conversation skills that kept Remus coming back for more. 

“Who’s the lucky lady, Rem?” James snickers from across the flat, bent over a pan, stir frying the last of whatever was in Remus’ refrigerator, probably. 

“Huh?” Remus asked, as if only suddenly aware that  _ anyone else _ besides him was actually present on this plane of existence. 

“I said,” James pauses dramatically, knocking a wooden spoon against the side of the pan and bringing it up to his lips to taste it. “Needs…  _ more soy sauce…”  _ He says suddenly, as if forgetting what he was talking about all together, rummaging through cabinets to find the Low Sodium Soy Sauce that he’d bought for Remus some months ago. 

After a  _ lot  _ of poking around, James finds the large bottle of soy sauce, drizzling some into the pan, devilish grin plastered to his face. “That’s better,” He hums.

“James…” Remus rolls his eyes, staring at the shirtless man mindlessly stirring the ingredients in front of him, the idea of Remus’ presence obviously lost on him.

“Oh!” James exclaims, turning towards remus, running a hand through his horridly  _ unruly  _ curls. “What I was  _ going to say  _ was,” He pauses, clearing his throat. “Who’s the lucky lady? Don’t think I haven’t noticed you being  _ glued  _ to that damn phone this whole time!”   


“Oh uh…” Remus looks down at his phone to see another text from Sirius

(5:21)  **and im not saying he deserved it but COME ON i can’t STAND those bitches that are like ‘wah wah wah he was abused as a child’ BUT YOU DON’T SEE ~ME~ KILLING PEOPLE**

Remus snorted, trying to hold in a laugh. 

“See!” James shouts. “There you go again!”

“It’s no one.” Remus states plainly, typing out a quick response to Sirius. 

(5:22) Well I mean yeah... but like he got his didn’t he? I mean Vanya DESTROYED his ass.

(5:22)  **as they SHOULDVE**

“It’s not no one,” James grunts, exasperated, walking over to Remus. 

“It  _ is,”  _ Remus replies curtly, trying to be stern with James, all the while feeling positively  _ floaty  _ from Sirius’ constant stream texts. 

“Can I at least know her name?” James hums, plopping himself down right next to Remus on the couch, actively working as hard as he can to crane his neck to effectively see his best friend’s phone screen. 

“Nope.” Remus chirps, clicking his phone off, slipping it underneath his thigh. “Also, you smell,” he grimaces, leaning away from James, nostrils flaring. 

“Do not!” James screeches, suddenly offended, lifting an arm to smell his own armpit. “I showered today!”

“Obviously, you didn’t do a very good job,” Remus rolls his eyes, feeling his phone buzz beneath his thigh. 

“Rude ass,” James snarls, hitting the middle of Remus’ chest with the back of his hand. “I guess I’m gonna eat this whole pan of stir fry by my _ damn _ self,” He sighs, getting up from the couch and flipping Remus off. 

“Wait!” Remus bolts up from his spot on the couch, grabbing his phone and slipping it into his back pocket. “Slow down, hot shot.”

“I come into your place of living and cook you a  _ quality meal,  _ and  _ this,  _ blatant disrespect, is how you thank me?” James huffs, pulling the pan off the stove, covering it, and setting it aside. 

“Look,” Remus begins. 

“Don’t even start!” James mock-cries, scrunching his face up, beginning to swirl into a torrent of fake sniffles. 

“Do you want an Oscar for this performance, or what?” Remus quips, standing at the edge of his kitchen, arms folded across his chest. 

His phone buzzes in his back pocket. 

“No thanks,” James whimpers, still going on with the theatrics. “I just… wanna be…  _ appreciated!”  _

“Oh. Fuck. Off.” Remus groans, rubbing hands over his face. “Diva,” he murmurs under his breath. 

(5:49)  **ive gotta start getting ready for work,,, showering and all that**

(5:50)  **ill text u in a little bit :-)**

(5:51) Have fun at work :)

(5:51) I have work tonight too so my apologies if my replies aren’t super timely 

(5:51)  **dw dw dw ! me too !**

(5:52)  **i get off at 1:30 so hopefully youll hear from me before then but who knows**

(5:52) 2 is quitting time for me unfortunately 

(5:52)  **damn ! well, im sure ill be awake still so if youre bored**

(5:53) Got it, setting an alarm for 2:01 “Text Sirius Orion”

(5:53)  **jackass**

Remus shook his head, clicking his phone off and slipping it into the back pocket of his jeans. It was only then that he noticed that James was going on another long-winded rant about  _ something  _ or  _ someone  _ was probably a more appropriate guess. 

“But she’s got-  _ Moony!”  _ James sighs, looking over his shoulder at Remus from his post at the sink, washing some blueberries. 

_ “Prongs!”  _ Remus shouts back, rolling his eyes, strolling over to help James prepare more of the meal, feeling sort of guilty that the man sort of has to take care of him sometimes. 

“I just-” James sighs, shaking his head. “She’s  _ perfect,  _ you know?”

“Are we still talking about Madame Malkin's girl?” 

“Her  _ name  _ is  _ Lily,”  _ James says through gritted teeth, barely holding back an annoyed smile.

“Right, Lily,” Remus repeats, looking over at James. “So what exactly is the big deal about her? What’s snagged your stockings?”

“See,  _ if you had been listening,  _ you would know that she’s got a  _ boyfriend,”  _ James sighs, placing a handful of blueberries into a bowl next to the sink.

“Well then, show’s over, pal,” Remus answers, clapping James on the back. “You can window shop, but you can’t buy, dude.” 

“Okay, but-” 

“No buts!” Remus exclaims. “She’s taken. That means,  _ unless she comes onto you,  _ you need to stay the  _ hell out of it,”  _ he continues. “It’s… common courtesy… _ and  _ if you get creepy the lines of consent get blurred and…” 

“It’s not like that!” James exclaims. “It’s like… her and her buddy came to watch us the other night and like…”

“I don’t like where this is going,” Remus sighed, taking the bowl of blueberries over to the table. 

“Well! Her friend, and I’m pretty sure he was her flatmate too like, at least I think he was her flatmate like… okay that’s not important.  _ Basically,  _ her friend, I don’t remember his name… it was weird-  _ okay again not important- _ her friend was like ‘oh Lily’s fighting with her boyfriend’ and then proceeded to tell me how much he  _ despised  _ her boyfriend.” 

“And?” Remus asks, walking over to grab a couple glasses from his cupboard. 

“Well, I’m hoping that means I can at least have, like, a  _ chance!”  _

“Oh god,” Remus scoffs, laughing. “Slow your roll,  _ loverboy.”  _

“Okay, but  _ come on!  _ I just think she’s something  _ new!  _ She’s… oh Rem, she’s  _ perfect.”  _ James sighs, stars in his eyes. 

“Well if she’s really  _ that  _ perfect, and  _ that worth going after,  _ why don’t you just… ‘stumble into her place of work’ by ‘complete coincidence’,” Remus sighs, doing air quotes around the words with his hands. 

“Oh my  _ God! Remus!”  _ James exclaims. “You. Are. A. Genius.” He gushes, rushing over to wrap his arms around Remus’ midsection affectionately.

Remus playfully pushes him away, walking over to uncover the pan of stir-fry and bringing it over to the table. “That way… if she turns you down, you have your answer.” 

“Brilliant!” James shouts, his dopey grin only getting bigger. “You’ll come with me to the bar, talk to her with me, and-”

“Okay, but,” Remus sighs, pulling out his chair and sitting down at the table. “If she turns you down, you’ve gotta let this go.” 

“Deal.” James smiles bigger somehow, sitting himself down across the table from Remus.  


* * *

**Thursday September 24**

**2:15 a.m.**

(2:15)  **finally headed home ! hope ur shift went well**

(2:16) Minus the grabby older women, it went really well actually 

(2:16)  **grabby older people ,, relatable**

(2:17) So what’s your plan now? 

(2:17)  **i’ll probably just go home and hit the hay, but i’m quite hungry so hopefully i can convince my flatmate to take me to get food some place**

(2:18) The things I would do for a McDonald’s double cheeseburger rn 

(2:18)  **god !!! i don’t often regret going vegan ,, but holy SHIT id kill a man for a big mac**

(2:18) I didn’t know you were vegan! Dude that’s so awesome! 

(2:19) I could never. 

(2:19)  **sometimes i think it’s more work than it’s worth ,, like exactly rn when i rlly want a big mac**

(2:20)  **but most days it feels really rewarding knowing i’m doing good stuff for the planet and all**

(2:21) James would kill me if I told him I wanted to go vegan LMFAO 

(2:21)  **not enough ~heavy protein~ for probably**

(2:21) Probably

(2:28) Hey I know it’s idk… kinda weird but if you like really want McDonalds or literally any kind of food I'll totally take you to get some, like if your flatmate doesn’t wanna take you:) Like I don’t drive but James does and we always go get fast food so if… you wanna come with… 

(2:30)  **she’s finishing closing down the bar rn but i’m p sure tonight was a rough night (boyfriend troubles) so if she needs me i’ll probably just hang here**

(2:31)  **HOWEVER sometimes she gets in these moods where she wants nothing to do with me n if that is the case i would LOVE to take you up on your offer**

(2:32) Just lmk :) I’m leaving work in a bit but I’m desperately rubbing vaseline on my neck bc I put my prop collar on too tight

(2:32)  **kinky**

Remus shook his head looking at himself in the mirror, examining the red lines that spanned across the front column of his throat. Taking another dab of vaseline, he rubbed it into the chafed skin there, wincing. 

“Need any ice?” Gideon calls from across the dressing room, where he took a warm washcloth to his chest, rubbing vigorously to get the sticky sheen of body oil off. 

“I’m okay, thanks though, Gid,” Remus hums, frowning at his appearance. He knew it was his own fault for rushing to clip the collar and pinching his skin, realizing it was too tight, then having no time to deal with it. Now he’d be stuck with reddish-purple slash lines around his neck for the next few days, which he supposed could be worse, but it’s definitely far from ideal. _ Maybe he did want some ice.  _ Nah. It probably wouldn’t do much but help the swelling and maybe reduce some redness…  _ definitely  _ not worth the stinging. 

Remus’ phone buzzed on the vanity, and he hated the way he nearly  _ lunged _ to grab it. 

(2:34)  **hey my flatmate is in legit the worst mood like im sure her horrible ugly disgusting stinky boyfriend is the cause of it, so i might have to take a rain check on mickey d’s**

(2:34)  **but uhhh ,,, maybe you’d be down to do breakfast tomorrow morning maybe ? no biggie if not but i thought id put it out there**

(2:35)  **ok maybe not breakfast bc it’s almost 3 am but,,, brunch,,, ?**

Remus watched the texts come through on his phone, giggling a bit at the mention of Sirius’ flatmate’s “stinky” boyfriend. An unmistakable flush crept across Remus’ cheeks as he stared down at his phone,  _ was this a date?  _ He thought to himself, running a hand through his hair, which had descended into a mess of tangled waves from a full night of work.  _ There wasn’t anything inherently wrong with wanting to go on a real date with Sirius… it was just like any other date with girls that he’d been on, right? Not that he’d been on many, his most recent being a sloppy one night stand after a night out with James… if that even counted-  _

“Texting Mystery Girl?” James teases, emerging from the shower area in the back room, his hair hanging in wet ringlets, foggy glasses now placed on the bridge of his nose. His bronze skin flushed red from the heat of the shower, tiny flecks of gold glitter still stuck in the little bit of chest hair stubble that was growing back across James’ broad chest.

“What gave it away?” Remus rolled his eyes, flicking out a quick text to Sirius.

(2:36) Brunch sounds great and not at all pretentious. Where do you wanna eat?

“Oh I don’t know… maybe it’s the stars in your eyes? Or maybe it’s the dopey smile?” James chides, dropping the towel around his hips, beginning to dry himself off. 

“You’re fucking shameless, you know that?” Remus shakes his head, watching James’ naked figure walk over to his locker, pulling out his ‘after work clothes’, which was no more than a threadbare hoodie that was probably older than Remus, and a pair of grey sweatpants. 

“You say these things,” James laughs, pulling the sweatpants on, still virtually completely naked. “As if you forget that you show your bare ass to a bunch of middle-aged women every night for money.”

“That’s part of my bit!” Remus defends, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“Hey… I’m just joshing,” James chuckles, rolling his eyes playfully in Remus’ direction. 

“Quit being a bully, James,” Gideon calls from somewhere across the other side of the enormous back stage area. 

“Quit being so damn  _ sexy,  _ Gideon,” James shouts back, picking up his backpack from out of his locker. Remus knows it’s got most of his props and shampoo and all of that jazz inside. He shakes his head, walking back to his own locker, throwing his own duffel bag over his shoulder and walking over to James. 

“I’ll drop you at home, yeah?” James asks under his breath, smiling softly at Remus as he pushed the back door open. Remus nods in agreement, heading toward James’ car. 

(2:40)  **im not a picky eater, even tho im vegan ill find sum to eat wherever we go**

(2:49) Idk where u live but we both don’t have a car so we’ll hopefully find something in between the two of us?? 

(2:50)  **im easy ! like i live above the arcadey place on 26th and gover so if you live any where close we can meet somewhere between us**

(2:50)  **im slowly realizing how dangerous it is that i just told u where i live yikes**

(2:51) I’m not gonna do anything to you Jesus asfirjfirjfrijs

(2:52)  **what if i want you to ………….**

_ This is definitely a date,  _ Remus thought, tugging his bottom lip in between his teeth, reading the message over and over, thumbs hovering over his keyboard. He tried to ignore the heat spreading throughout his body, starting low in his belly, spreading through his spine and chest.  _ Should I flirt back?  _ He thought, eyebrows knitting together in concentration, still hesitating over the screen over his phone, not knowing exactly what to say. He’d never been in this kind of situation before, his mind reeling over the countless possibilities that he could respond with. 

“Okay, Spock,” James sighs from the driver’s seat. “You gotta tell me what’s going on, pal. And, do not say it’s nothing…”

“It’s this guy…” Remus shakes his head, gaze shifting from the screen of his phone to James’ side profile. 

“Well, what about him?” James asks, seeming to gloss over the fact that Remus had very hypothetical feelings for a dude. “What’s he like? I can tell you like him,” James grins. “You usually don’t spend much time on your phone, but over the past week you’ve been like  _ glued  _ to it, it’s  _ so _ not like you.”

“Well, he wants to get brunch tomorrow morning,” Remus says, chewing the inside of his cheek, full attention now turned to James. 

“Hey!! That’s great!” James exclaims, turning briefly towards Remus in the passenger seat. “Then what the  _ hell  _ are you so… worked up about?” 

“Oh god it’s like…” Remus trails off as his phone buzzed again. 

(2:57)  **im so sorry ik i definitely stepped over a line my bad my bad ! ill keep my shameless flirting to a minimum,,,**

(2:57)  **or at least try to :)**

Remus tries to hold back a laugh, his cursor continuing to blink menacingly, seeing as he still had no idea how to respond. “James he’s so…”

“Hot? Sexy? Cool?” James offers, grinning stupidly. 

“Well… yeah, but like… oh god, I don’t know,” Remus resumes chewing on the inside of his cheek. “He says these things, and I just like- how do you even respond?” 

“You mean like… flirting?” James asks, gaze fixed on the empty freeway in front of them. 

“Maybe?” Remus shrugs, sighing and deciding to type out a quick response. 

(3:01) Oh god you’re fine dw! Maybe we could do Honeydukes? I know they have coffee

(3:01)  **i love that place ! promise it’s not too far of a walk for u?**

(3:02) God no. I live on 28th and court. So legit like two blocks from you lol 

(3:02)  **ok cool cool ,, what time ? :)**

“Is it stupid to be nervous because I’ve never  _ liked a guy  _ before?” Remus asks, hesitantly, looking at James. “Oh jeez, not that you’d know… it’s not like you like men-okay maybe you do? Obviously I don’t know  _ everything  _ about you-”

“Moony!” James shouts, laughing. “You’re being a psycho!”

“Okay but-! It’s more complicated than that! I dont’t know much about him save for the fact that he likes these really gross kale chips and plain Cheerios which isn’t inherently gross, but it’s definitely not the flavor that I would’ve gone for. And like, we’ve only known each other like a week, and I can’t help but feel like this is rushed or maybe I’m reading too much into it…” Remus rushed and then trails off, groaning at how pathetic he sounded. 

“Remus.” James deadpanned, giving Remus as stern of a look as he could while keeping his eyes on the road. “Go to brunch with him. It’s gonna be fine, there is nothing wrong with this, with wanting to see someone you like. I mean, you just got on my ass yesterday about it, it’s been a week and I haven’t shut the hell up about Lily!”

Remus laughed, nodding, finally beginning to type out a message. 

(3:07) How’s 11?

(3:07)  **11 o’clock sounds swell, Remus John**

(3:08) Fantastic:) I’ll see you then:)

(3:08)  **can’t wait x**

_ This was definitely a date.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s a date ;)


	4. Within You, Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And life flows on within you and without you.
> 
> OR 
> 
> Remus and Sirius share some time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI FRIENDS SORRY ITS BEEN SO LONG — the time around the holidays is really hard for me and i kinda had a depressive spiral, nonetheless,,, HERE IS CHAPTER FOUR !!!’ i hope to not be gone as long before posting chapter 5! 
> 
> SHOUT OUT TO MOA AND ISLA FOR ALWAYS PUSHING ME TO BE MY BEST I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

Sirius stared up at the popcorn ceiling above him, the corners of his room yellowing from years of probable water damage. He tried to focus on the feeling of his chest rising and falling, the feeling of his breathing, grounding him. He focused on the softness of the cotton sheets below him, the feeling of his bare legs against the insides of his pajama pants; he was  _ so tired,  _ but no matter how hard he closed his eyes, sleep wouldn’t come. In just a little over three hours, he was supposed to get up, giving himself enough time to get showered and ready for brunch with Remus. He contemplated a shower, wondering if the warm water would help lull him to sleep, allowing him to maybe sleep a little longer.

Sirius debated just getting up now, forgoing sleep all together, just getting up and beginning to make breakfast for Lily, so that she’d have something to eat, even after he left for brunch with Remus. But, for some reason, it was almost like he felt glued to the bed, limbs heavy, clinging to the silken sheets, but yet, his head was light, thoughts racing, mind floating off to a place where he couldn’t catch it. So, there he sat, staring off into the corner of his bedroom, watching the bumps on the ceiling disappear and reappear as his eyes focused and unfocused. 

He’d set his phone on the dresser across the room, hoping that it would stop him from continuing to look at it, scrolling mindlessly through twitter, just to ease the heaviness in his chest and lightness in his head. Glancing at his nightstand, his eyes raked over the crushed carton of cigarettes and lighter.  _ Was it too early to have a smoke?  _

_ Was it too early to start his day?  _

Yes to both of those questions, without a doubt. However, it didn’t stop him from swinging his legs over the side of his bed, enormous tee shirt coming to just above his knees, cotton boxers slung low on his hips. He runs a hand through his tangled hair, bringing his palm down to rub over his face, heel of his hand rubbing into his eye, clearing his vision. Sirius squinted in the lowly lit room, feeling around on his nightstand, grasping for the cigarettes, holding them tightly in a shaky hand, moving towards his window. 

Lily hated when he smoked inside. She complained that the smell stuck to everything and turned everything yellow, which didn’t do anything except piss Sirius off. It’s not like he avoided smoking inside anymore than normal, he was just much more careful about it. He made sure to smoke out of the window, flicking the ashes over the balcony, so that they fell downward onto the street below, instead of onto the floor of the back patio. 

Sitting himself up against the window sill, Sirius threw the window open, pulling a cigarette out of the carton. He sort of straddled the open window, letting one of his legs hang lazily out of the window, toes wiggling, taking in the open morning air. Goosebumps rippled across the top of his thigh, giving extra texture to the tattoo of the Orion Nebula that stretched across the skin there. He thumbed at it lazily, staring out the window at the sleepy street below him, the entirety of the back alley washed in a warm orange glow from the couple of street lamps that lit up the spaces below them. 

The sun hadn’t even thought about peeking over the skyline, as Sirius was taking his first drag of his cigarette, sucking two or three lungfuls down before exhaling upward into the bleak morning sky. He leaned his head against the side of the sill, trying to calm his ragged breathing, trying to drink in the crisp air of the earliest morning he’d had in a while. It was a bit humid, almost as if it were teasing that it might rain later, but there were no real symptoms of any kind of rain. No clouds, no  _ smell  _ of rain, none of it. 

Shame really, Sirius loved the rain. 

And, to make it all worse, it probably wasn’t even six am yet. The sky was still an inky black, a few stars just barely visible, but light was beginning to show on the northeastern corner of the horizon line. Closing his eyes, he took another breath, not through the filter of a cigarette this time, hating the way that his chest almost  _ shakes _ as it compresses. And by god, he’s  _ sure _ that he’s imagining it, but Sirius  _ swears  _ he hears his phone buzz from where it rests, charging on his dresser.

Shaking his head, Sirius turns to finish his cigarette, feeling the puff of an exhale of smoke leave through his nostrils, and he hears it again. His phone’s buzzing from his dresser. 

_ It’s probably Lily yelling at me to quit smoking in the apartment,  _ he thinks, rolling his eyes, flicking the cigarette off, placing it back in his mouth and reaching for his phone. He pulls it easily off the charger, feeling it buzz again in his hands, startling him. He nearly drops the phone, as it buzzes for a third time. 

(5:46) Hey this is a fucking long shot, but are you up? 

(5:46) I couldn’t sleep and like if you’re up… idk we could sit on my back balcony and watch the sunrise if you want I’ll make coffee and breakfast if you’d be down! Or we can… like do the original plan of meeting at 11 bc you are probably not awake 

(5:47) Jfc that sounds so dumb… I am truly so dumb 

(5:47) I’m sure you’re sleeping anyways so just ignore these texts when you get up hahahaha 

(5:47)  **hi :)**

(5:48) Oh god please tell me I didn’t wake you up 

(5:48)  **no no no ! i havent been to sleep lol im up smoking like a chimney like i always do when im nervy so dw dw dw**

(5:49)  **id love to watch the sunrise ! just lmk where u are so i can come to you:)**

(5:49) I can walk to you if you want! That way you don’t have to walk to mine alone?

(5:50)  **why are you the nicest person on the planet**

(5:50)  **i need to change or im legit gonna be in pajamas**

(5:51) I’d say just come over in your pj’s, but it’s kinda chilly out! So if you haven’t felt outside I’d wear a jacket of some kind! 

(5:51) Also… I’m far from the nicest person, Sirius Orion. 

Sirius stared down at his phone, hands trembling slightly, the beats of his heart still echoing in his ears, and for the first time in a while, he was completely at a loss of something sarcastic to reply.  _ Was he really doing this?  _

A part of him had alarm bells ringing in the back of his head, this wasn’t something casual, this was rapidly shifting from a nice coffee date to watching the god blessed sunrise at this man’s flat. This was not casual. This was not… normal. This had turned from something that was comfortable to something that had warped into Sirius’ worst nightmare. If he’d been nervous about getting attached over something as simple as a coffee date, he can’t imagine that getting cozied up in this man’s apartment would be something that ended well. 

_ Maybe if you hook up with him, you won’t get attached.  _

His phone buzzed in his lap, and he looked down at it, hesitantly. 

(5:54) Would it be cool to just meet you by the arcade? I don’t wanna make you uncomfy by like being like oh where do you live exactly 

Sirius bit his lip, thinking, debating just taking a proverbial rain check, just telling Remus that he actually wasn’t feeling well, and that they should just… do something another day. But, Lily’s voice was ringing loud and clear within his mind,  _ “I just want you to… have someone”.  _

Sighing, he flicked out a reply.

(5:55)  **yeah ! that sounds good :) im gonna put pants on lmfao and ill meet u whenever !!**

(5:56) Okay!! I’m leaving after I put my shoes on, so I should be there in about 10 minutes:) 

(5:56)  **see you soon**

(5:56) :)))

It was funny, really, how much the tables had turned. Sirius had been flirting his ass off, towing the line between funny and too far, and now he was clamming up worse than an 8th grader at their school’s talent show. He wasn’t supposed to be  _ nervous  _ around men his age, they were supposed to find him attractive and want to have sex with him, and maybe Remus wanted to do that. But, guys who wanted to just have sex with someone wouldn’t invite them over before it was even six a.m., this was not casual. But, then again, neither was coffee. 

* * *

Remus took a deep breath, looking up at the apartments that sat above the small mom and pop restaurant. It was attached to an arcade that had been there since Remus could remember, the sign above the awning still blinking shitty pink and green neon. He wondered if the neon lights ever woke Sirius up, seeing as they were flashing even now, at ten past six in the bloody morning. If the neon lights didn’t wake Sirius, then surely, the hoards of teenagers blowing cash on snotty reboots of Pac-Man would. 

(6:12) Hi I’m here if you want to come down 

(6:12)  **omw:)**

Remus shook his head, putting his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants, nervously fiddling with the bottom of his flannel. He’d been cold with just the thin, cotton crew neck sweatshirt and sweatpants, so he threw one of the flannels that James had left at his house a couple of nights ago. 

He stared blankly through the window of the arcade, the whole thing looking sort of eerie without any kids inside, the whole place dark, just shells of games remaining without electricity. It was weird to think of the fact that things existed like even when they weren’t being used, being occupied, almost like the idea of that ‘if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?’ kind of a thing. It was all so  _ empty:  _ the streets had few people in them, the cobblestone lacked the normal hustle and bustle of the daytime, and even the lackluster hustle and bustle of the evening life. This part of town really slowed down enough to ever have moments of quiet, but he supposed that this strange limbo between morning and night was where it happened. The emptiness of it all. Even this arcade just sat, completely empty. 

It was unsettling, all of it. Remus toyed with the bottom hem of his flannel, toes curling in the end of his shoes, big, clunky boots that were laying on his floor, so he threw them on instead of digging through his messy ass closet for a pair of trainers. In an attempt to clean some things up, he threw most of the laundry on his floor into the small closet, shoving bigger things under his bed, you know, like a  _ teenager.  _

Not that the two of them are going to really be spending much time in his room. He  _ definitely  _ hadn’t planned enough for _ that. _

The sound of light footfalls against the pavement grabbed Remus’ attention, his eyes meeting Sirius’, a giddy smile slowly spreading across his features. As nervous as he’d been, the butterflies flickering in his stomach most of his restless night, a pleasant calm settled in the center of his chest. “Good morning,” Sirius chirped, returning Remus’ soft smile with a devilish grin of his own. 

“Good morning,” Remus hummed in response, toes curling in the edge of his boots once again, right thumb finding that bottom buttonhole, just to rub at it between his thumb and forefinger. Sirius looked up at him through thick, dark lashes, his hair half-pulled back into a little bun at the back of his head, little wisps framing his face in a curly, black halo. 

In just three elegant strides, Sirius was right next to Remus, and suddenly the clothes on Remus’ back felt like they were made of _ lead,  _ like his body was suddenly too weak to stand, crumpling under the weight of Sirius’ commanding presence. Remus had at least three inches on him, the man’s head would probably fit right under his nose, but he couldn’t help the way his heart thrummed steadily in his chest, just  _ watching Sirius.  _ There was something so wholly and totally  _ angelic  _ about him, the way he existed almost seeming like an anomaly against the backdrop of the shitty apartments and run-down arcade. 

Remus could smell him from where he stood, he smelled of cheap cologne and cigarette smoke. Not that Remus necessarily minded, smoking was  _ sort of attractive  _ if he was honest with himself, however the lack of getting to watch Sirius in the act, left only with the lingering scent of burnt tobacco wasn’t something that Remus had prepared for.  _ Not that he minded.  _ It was just  _ something unexpected.  _ The cologne was musky,  _ masculine,  _ something that was sort of familiar like he’d smelled it before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. 

“Sorry if I kept you waiting,” Sirius breathes, looking up at Remus, eyelids droopy, fiddling with the strings of his navy hoodie. “I thought I was going to have time to shower, but then I stared at myself in the mirror for too long,” He chuckles, sort of tugging at the strands of hair that didn’t quite make it into the bun. “Spent too long looking at my own sexy mug to wash the smell of my nervous chain smoking off of my skin,” Sirius confesses, a light pink flushing over the apples of his cheeks and tips of his ears. Ears, which Remus noted were heavily pierced, hoops clinging to the inner helix, cartlidge, and lobes of both ears. 

“Ever the narcissist,” Remus teases, suddenly overwhelmed by a sudden surge of confidence, when the realization hit him that  _ Sirius was just as nervous as he was.  _

Sirius’ blush intensified, redness spreading down his neck, “Well-”

“I’m kidding!” Remus backpedals, smiling, holding a hand out for Sirius to take. “Come on, I'll show you back to my place. We’ll have a fresh brewed pot of coffee waiting for us...”

Without hesitation, Sirius grins, slipping a clammy hand from his pocket and putting it in Remus’, the pair of them starting down the cobblestone street toward Remus’ apartment. 

* * *

Remus knows he’s overthinking  _ everything _ as he grabs two mugs down from his cupboard. He watches in awe as Sirius completely makes himself at home, hoisting his bony body onto the kitchen island, long legs dangling over the edge of the counter. His feet are covered by mismatched fuzzy socks, one with sheep on it, the other looked  _ almost _ like Santa… if Santa had been out through a blender, the fuzzy part of the sock alarmingly threadbarren. 

Remus knows he’s overthinking it when he watches Sirius’ thumbs quickly flicking out a text to someone on his phone, just before rolling his eyes and putting the phone back in his hoodie pocket. Remus’ hands are shaking as he pours the coffee, the nerves he’d been feeling, suddenly back and stronger than before. 

“Sorry about that,” Sirius groans. “My flatmate freaks out if I go  _ literally anywhere  _ without telling her. I swear she’s got a tracker on me,” He giggles easily, smiling brightly at Remus. 

“She’s gotta have a reason, hasn’t she?” Remus teases, suddenly feeling much less nervous about Sirius’ seeming annoyance. “You  _ do seem  _ like quite the  _ troublemaker.” _

“No!” Sirius cries, overly exasperated for the situation, melodramatic as ever, “Not you, too!” He laughs, laying the flat of his hand over his forehead, throwing his head back in mock frustration. “She seems to think that I have no ability to take care of myself. And you know what? She’s completely and totally, undoubtedly  _ correct  _ in that astute assumption, but I would rather taste the metal of a gun muzzle in my mouth than  _ ever _ admit that!”

Remus laughs at that, shaking his head. Sirius goes on, talking about the lengths his flatmate goes to keep the proverbial reins on him, and Remus just smiles, watching Sirius speak. Even his mannerisms are languid,  _ even the way he bloody talks is smooth,  _ even the animated way he uses his hands when he speaks is incredibly fluid. 

The subtle drip of the coffee machine does little to grab Remus’ attention as Sirius babbles a bit, interjecting occasional  _ ‘hmm’ _ s or  _ ‘Yeah, totally,’ _ s, unable to keep the smile off his face. Reaching for the coffee pot, he pours two mugs full, then walks the mug over to where Sirius had perched himself, wedged somewhere between just big enough to fill out the counter top and dangling over the edge of the island. He sets the mug next to Sirius’ pajama covered thigh, smiling warmly as the young man’s sentence just sort of trailed off.

“Hi,” Sirius breathes. Remus’ heart speeds up at their proximity, never having let himself get so close to Sirius before, always finding a way to keep himself just an arm’s length away, a call away, a text away. But now, here they were, outer thighs pressed together in the middle of Remus’ kitchen. 

“How do you take your coffee?” Remus smooths, as a comfortable silence settled between the two of them. 

“Black,” Sirius chirps, eyes flickering over Remus’ facial features, upward and then  _ down.  _

“And,  _ I’m  _ the heathen?” Remus chides, playfully, setting his mug down and shuffling over to the refrigerator.  _ Milk and sugar.  _ “You drink  _ black coffee _ and  _ I’m _ the heathen… noted.” 

“Oh god, I bet you’re a milky tea drinker, too…” Sirius’ face scrunches up in mock disgust, raising the mug to his lips. 

“I am!” Remus states, a little too proudly, pulling out the carton of milk from the fridge. “And proud of it, too!”

A comfortable silence settled between the pair, thighs pressed together, as Remus began to stir his coffee, shyly watching as Sirius timidly took sips from the mug clenched between his hands, steam rising off of the surface of the cup. The mug itself had been a gift from James, it was a god awful shade of yellow and read  _ Eat a Bag of Dicks  _ in a frilly cursive font with a crudely drawn penis with a smiley face on it. Sirius’ navy, manicured nails rested on the print of the dick, Remus smiled at him softly, a blush flushing slowly across his cheeks. 

“I suppose we could go out to the balcony?” Remus suggests, feeling Sirius’ sock covered foot brush near the back of his knee. 

“Right,” Sirius hums. “I suppose the sun will be rising soon?”

“Yeah,” Remus says, offering his hand as a way to help Sirius down from the counter top, his feet gracefully colliding with the wood flooring of Remus’ kitchen. “I’ll grab a blanket off the couch, you go get comfortable… there’s like a little couch out there.” He states, feeling heat rise to his face as he realized that Sirius hadn’t let go of his hand, yet. 

“Sure,” Sirius replies, voice soft, his dimpled smile answering all of the feelings of insecurity that was suddenly hitting Remus like a freight train. 

Almost stunned to the spot, he watched Sirius waltz out to the balcony, opening the back door, floating outside and settling on the couch. Remus, after a few seconds of just watching Sirius curl up against the armrest of the couch, the little bun at the back of his head resting against the backrest of the couch. Remus grabbed one of the fleece throw blankets off of his living room couch, mug in his right hand, blanket draped over his right arm. The sky was beginning to go pink along the horizon, some light beginning to flood the sky, turning it from an inky black to a deep navy. 

“Comfortable?” Remus asks, looking at Sirius all crowded into the very corner of the couch, mug set on the side table, still steaming, hands wrapped protectively around his phone, tapping away at it. 

“Very!” Sirius chirps, smiling up at Remus, who practically throws the blanket over Sirius’ head. 

“We might not need this but…” Remus trails off, setting his mug next to Sirius’, sitting himself down to Sirius, leaving a slightly awkward space between the two of them. 

Wordlessly, Sirius spread the blanket over he and Remus’ legs, pushing himself away from the armrest of the couch and leaning more towards Remus, so that their arms were just barely touching. When Remus didn’t flinch away, Sirius settled himself against Remus’ side, head leaning to rest against Remus’ shoulder. 

“Here,” Remus murmurs, sitting Sirius up momentarily, reaching his hand behind to grip the back of the couch. “This is probably more comfortable,” he mumbles, patting the flat plane of his chest, watching the anxiety fade from Sirius’ face, replaced with the nervous smile. 

“Yeah,” Sirius chuckles, leaning back down, cheek nearly nuzzling against the soft cotton of Remus’ crew neck, just attempting to get comfortable. But, for Remus at least, it didn’t feel weird, in fact, before he even realized it, Sirius had nearly melted against his chest, soft curls tickling underneath Remus' chin. And before he knew it, a moment or two or three or ten had passed, the navy sky continuing to lighten at the horizon, the very east turning a bright, feisty orange as the sun nearly peeked over the skyline. A few birds chirped overhead, huddling in the nest that they’d been building on the ceiling of Remus’ balcony for quite some time now. Remus smiled at the feeling of Sirius’ head against his shoulder, their bodies pressed together 

“It’s weird, you know,” Sirius says, suddenly, raising his hand to trace his finger along the air, following the ridges in the city skyline. 

“What’s weird?” Remus hums, taking a deep breath, inhaling the sharp, musky scent of sandalwood and tobacco. 

“Like, I could’ve still theoretically been in bed right now, not here, not awake…” He takes a deep breath, flipping his hand over, palm up. “But like… the sun would still rise, you know?” 

Remus stretched his arm up, wiggling his fingers, dropping his hand from the backrest of the couch so that it gently rested against Sirius’ side, palm nearly engulfing Sirius' thin upper arm. “Well yes, I suppose,” Remus says, after a moment of quiet thinking. “But it probably wouldn’t rise in the same way if you’re not there to experience it.” 

“Like a ‘if a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, would it make a sound?’ kind of scenario?” Sirius asks, beginning to ‘pinch’ the early morning sun between his thumb and forefinger. 

“I mean sort of,” Remus begins, softly running his thumb along the seam in the arm of Sirius’ hoodie. “It’s like this… there can be two schools of thought, ‘the tree falls and doesn’t make a sound because no one’s there’,” He pauses, noticing Sirius shift slightly, head tilting upward to so he could look at Remus, the pinching of the rising sun long forgotten.  _ “Or,  _ you can theorize that the tree most likely makes a sound whether or not we’re there, seeing as trees seem to always make sound when they fall. Our presence at the event  _ shouldn’t  _ affect the way that the tree sounds, for we are not logically involved in the sound making. However, this sort of theory kind of a thing can bleed into the idea of fate and determinism- which I have  _ not  _ had enough sleep to even breach- but if you really want me to go down that–”

“Oh my god,” Sirius cuts him off, clear grey blinking upwards at him.  _ “Why the hell are you a fucking stripper?”  _ He deadpans, but it sounds more like an argument point than a question. 

“I erm-” Remus chuckles, turning his head away from Sirius’ burning gaze. The anxiety he’d felt earlier about Sirius, about this date, about  _ everything _ , was returning, and suddenly there was a burning taste in his mouth, and he could feel Sirius’ eyes burning a hole in the side of his head. 

“If I was even  _ half  _ as smart as you, I would  _ never  _ have become a dancer,” Sirius says, voice barely above a whisper. 

“Bold of you to assume I don’t love my job,” Remus laughs, forcing it a bit, trying to resume the playful banter that the two of them had so artfully mastered in the week or so of speaking to one another. 

“I never said that! And I didn’t mean to…” Sirius trails off, turning away from Remus, gazing back out to the horizon. “I was just… impressed.” 

“Well… thank you.” He says curtly, words dancing on the tip of his tongue, feeling like there’s so much he  _ could  _ say but didn’t know how. “Sorry about-”

“My fault,” Sirius cuts him off, right arm bending gracefully at the elbow, genteel hands coming to rest on Remus’ flannel covered arm that was resting against him. He placed his hand flat against the flannel, “I shouldn’t have said that or assumed… I’ve just been doing this so long that it’s like… I forget that there’s a demographic that can  _ really _ enjoy their line of work.” 

“I suppose it’s a bit like the tree thing, isn’t it?” Remus prods, fingers coming to intertwine with Sirius’, a sudden rush of something damn near adrenaline flooding over him. “Just because you don’t observe other people enjoying their job... doesn’t mean that those people don’t exist.” 

“My Main Character Syndrome really jumped out,” Sirius laughs. “It’s like I forget that other people, with life experiences that are different than mine, actually exist.” 

Remus laughed at that, softly squeezing at the pliant hand between his. “That’s easy to do, it’s not  _ just  _ you.” 

Sirius hummed in response, adjusting himself slightly, so that the plane of his back rested more flush against Remus, sort of hoisting himself up into a sitting position. His hand didn’t leave Remus’.

“It’s so weird still,” Sirius mumbled, legs pulled up easily towards his chest. “That people have lives outside of us, like think of how many people you’ll never meet.” 

“Alright,  _ buckaroo,” _ Remus chuckles, dropping his hand into Sirius’ hair. “You  _ definitely  _ haven’t had enough sleep to be pondering this kind of a thing. You’re gonna give yourself a brain cramp.” 

Sirius grumbles something Remus could not make out, but then nearly purrs, feeling Remus’ blunt nails brushing against his scalp. “You’re playing with fire, sir,” Sirius yawns out, melting further into Remus’ chest. 

“Kinky…” Remus giggles, earning a  _ groan _ from Sirius, but not the good kind. 

“God! Not like that!” He cries, bringing one of his hands up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. “I just- if you play with my hair I’ll fall asleep!” 

“Nothing wrong with that, it’s barely seven,” Remus comforts, continuing to brush his fingers through Sirius’ curls. Quietly, inconspicuously, Remus reaches down and gently tugs at the hair tie in Sirius’ hair, pulling the bun loose. And with a hum of approval, Sirius’ head turns, nose sort of nuzzling flush against the space between Remus’ collarbones and his neck. 

“I  _ will  _ fall asleep,” Sirius states, his eyes fluttering closed, eyelashes brushing softly against Remus’ skin. Rather than answer, Remus just continued to play with the curls splayed across his side. Sirius' thighs now rested against Remus’ body, his small frame dwarfed by the broad, squared off shoulders, the sloping, muscular planes of Remus’ chest. He really looked  _ lithe,  _ here flush against Remus.  _ His body must be bursting at the seams trying to keep all of that personality inside of it,  _ Remus thought to himself, watching Sirius’ fingers trace the seam on the sleeve of his flannel. Sirius’ eyes were closed, little puffs of his breath warm against Remus’ neck.  _ God you are something else,  _ Remus thought, watching Sirius’ hand eventually drop against his thigh, warmth spreading there. 

Remus wasn’t sure when Sirius had  _ actually  _ fallen asleep, his body pliant, now completely flush against Remus, having practically wiggled himself into Remus’ lap. Remus shimmied his phone out of his pocket, quickly trying to send a quick text to James without waking the sleeping man. 

(7:37) Hi things are going well just an fyi 

(7:37)  Oh shiiiit! Told you there wasn’t anything to be worried abt dude:D

(7:38) We were like cuddling watching the sunrise and he like fell asleep against my chest… I might spontaneously combust this is- 

(7:38)  STOP THATS SO CUTE I TOLD YOU THAT THINGS WOULD GO WELL I TOLD YOU 

(7:38)  REM YOU SLY DOG !! CUDDLING ON THE FIRST DATE

(7:39) James Fleamont. 

(7:39)  DO NOT middle name me, young man. 

(7:39) You arent that much older than me, don’t young man me. 

(7:40)  Okay whatever grumpy pants!!! Have fun!! See you tonight;)

(7:40) Yeah, see you tn pls bring my boots. 

(7:41)  You got it, sweetums. 

(7:41) Every day that passes, I like you less. 

Setting his phone down, Remus reached for his coffee, taking a sip of it. It had gone lukewarm, but still tasted good, almost too sweet.  _ Suppose I could’ve eased up on the sugar,  _ Remus thinks, taking a sip anyways. 

_ Should I take him inside? Should I make breakfast? He definitely needs to eat.  _ Remus’ thoughts race, staring at the boy in his lap.  _ He couldn’t have been sleeping for more than 20 minutes, it wasn’t even eight o’clock yet. Shit. I don’t have anything vegan… I didn’t plan this very well. I mean I have toast… Is that vegan? God, look at him.  _

Sirius shifts slightly, eyes squeezing together, little hum escaping his lips.  _ Great, I was thinking too loud and I woke him.  _ But, luckily, Sirius simply circled an arm up, clutching the soft cotton of Remus’ crewneck in his slightly clenched fist.  _ Quite the fitful sleeper you are,  _ Remus thought, watching Sirius’ eyelids flutter a little, his breathing still slow and measured. 

* * *

Sirius woke up, still cuddled against Remus' chest, a large chunk of hair had found its way into his mouth.  _ Gross.  _ He lifted his head, looking up at Remus who seemed to be lost in thought, eyes glued to the pair of pigeons on the railing of the balcony. “Hello sleepyhead,” Remus says, turning his gaze to smile at Sirius. 

“Was I out for long?” Sirius asks, voice gravelly from sleep. He coughs, clearing his throat. 

“Maybe 45 minutes?” Remus guesses, grinning at Sirius, reaching out a hand to smooth down the curls that had gone wild during Sirius’ kip. His thumb skims softly over the skin of Sirius cheek, and for the first time, Sirius gets a  _ really good look  _ at the gorgeous man in front of him. His eyelashes were long and curly, just like the soft curls on his head. Sirius had sort of loose curls, they’d always bent and framed his face in a sort of wild way, always making him look a little bit disheveled. Remus’ curls on the other hand were damn near ringlets, his hair was short on the sides, close cropped, but it was longer on top, sandy blonde hair splaying easily over his forehead. He looked so  _ effortlessly  _ messy, like unkempt in a way that was  _ rugged,  _ and undeniably  _ handsome.  _ He was freckled, the summer tan beginning to fade from his skin, but the freckles just as pronounced as he assumes they are in the summer. They dust the high points of his cheeks, his nose, down his neck, and his cheeks are the perfect shade of rose, just like

his lips, full and soft. And his eyes,  _ oh his eyes,  _ were the richest, warmest brown that Sirius had seen in a long time. The kind of brown that you wanna wrap yourself up in and stay there forever, the kind of brown that’s inviting and warm and  _ safe.  _

“Sorry I dozed off I really didn’t mean to,” Sirius murmurs, feeling the warmth of Remus’ calloused palm still pressed softly to his cheek. 

“You warned me,” Remus grins, teeth white, the bottom ones a little crooked, crowded in on one another. Sirius wonders if he ever had braces or ever had to wear a retainer. He sort of felt like laughing at the thought of gangly teenage Remus lisping around braces, rough northern accent masked by a metal filled mouth. 

“I did,” Sirius hums, melting into the soft hand that was still thumbing over his cheek. 

“Do you want any breakfast?” Remus asks, tracing the hollow of an under eye bag on Sirius’ cheek. “I don’t know if I have anything vegan but-”

“It’s fine,” Sirius grins. “I’m sure I can find  _ something  _ in your kitchen.” And in that moment, as Remus’ grin grew, Sirius wanted nothing more than to kiss him. Not a sloppy kiss with too much tongue, not an open-mouthed kiss that left the both of them breathless, an honest to goodness  _ kiss.  _ A peck, something to show him, that he really, _ really _ liked him, but the thought passed as Remus stood up, offering a hand to Sirius. 

Sirius takes it softly, warmth blooming in the middle of his chest as Remus interlaces their fingers, walking the both of them inside, leaving their coffee mugs and throw blanket long forgotten on the back patio. Sirius couldn’t help but keen into Remus, the warmth of his touch so incredibly inviting, something he wanted to bask in forever. They shuffle along the wood flooring and Remus throws the door to his fridge open, and Sirius is almost stunned at how  _ full  _ it is. He and Lily’s fridge had fruit and bread, and if you were lucky, a carton of almond milk, but this was  _ a lot of food.  _

“Do you like overnight oats?” Remus asks, unlinking his hand to reach up towards the large mason jar, and Sirius’ heart crawls into his throat as his hand is empty again. 

“I-uhm- I’ve never had them?” Sirius chokes out, overwhelmed suddenly by the  _ lack of contact.  _ Remus didn’t even really seem to notice, unscrewing the lid on the jar. 

“They’re pretty good but we can always go out and get something if you don’t like them!” He chirps, setting the jar down on the counter, pulling out a couple of baskets of fresh berries. “And, I can make you a fresh cup of coffee.” 

“Sure- sure, coffee would be nice,” He replied, trying not to shiver, the lack of Remus’ touch, leaving him cold. 

“You okay?” Remus asks, looking up at Sirius, hand snaking along the small of Sirius’ back. The anxiousness ebbed within seconds, familiar warmth blooming at the feeling of Remus’ touch. 

“Yeah! Fine!” Sirius blurts, probably all too quickly. “Sorry!” 

“Hey, no worries,” Remus says, hand continuing to linger on Sirius’ back. “I’ll make you a bowl, yeah?” He asks, grinning. 

“Yeah,” Sirius responds, their eyes locking, and it’s almost like Sirius has forgotten how to breathe, the air from his lungs trapped in his mouth, like an unpopped bubble stuck in his throat.  _ Let me kiss you please god if you’re listening, Jesus Christ let me kiss him. Oh my god, oh my God I want to press my lips to his.  _

The rest of breakfast passed without much of an incident, he and Remus babbling back and forth about their favorite television shows, books, movies, podcasts, what have you. Soon, the empty bowls that once held overnight oats were discarded, as the pair took to the couch, flicking around on early morning television, the time crawling as the clock struck nine. Reruns of CrimeWatchDaily flashed across the screen, and Sirius couldn’t help his squeak of, “Wait!” 

“You like actively  _ watch  _ CrimeWatch?” Remus chuckles, grinning at Sirius in disbelief. 

“Yes!” Sirius cries. “You know I love true crime.” 

Remus hums, keeping the show on the screen, turning it up slightly. Hesitantly, Sirius began to slowly wedge himself into Remus’ side again, getting comfortable. Moments pass, Remus’ hands resting comfortably around Sirius’ midsection, the ridges of Sirius’ bony hips just underneath Remus' palms. 

_ A runaway bride turns to a gruesome murder, but all I can think about is kissing you.  _

“I've been thinking about kissing you for quite awhile now,” Remus hums in response, nonchalantly, like it wasn’t a big deal. Sirius hadn’t even realized that he’d actually, really and truly spoken aloud, his thoughts had been racing this entire morning, and it seems that one had simply  _ slipped loose.  _

“You have?” Sirius chokes, leaning to look at Remus. 

Remus just nods shyly, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. And suddenly what started as a lie-in, to get to know one another better, had turned to this, as Remus brushes a lock of hair away from Sirius’ face, both hands reaching to cup Sirius’ jaw. “Can I- would it be alright if I kiss you?” 

“Yes,” Sirius sighs, sitting upright, arms wrapping around the back of Remus’ neck. And then, slowly, warmly,  _ perfectly,  _ Remus slid his thumb along Sirius’ jaw, hand threading to the hair on the back of his head, the pair’s lips touching for the first time. 

“Oh my god–  _ yes.”  _ Sirius murmurs against Remus’ lips, and Remus smiles, brightly, warmly,  _ perfectly  _ into the kiss, their lips molding together, sending frenetic shocks of warmth down Sirius’ spine, the best kind of warmth pooling in the hollow of his chest. 

Remus pulls away, biting his lip to keep from smiling too big. “Yeah,” He whispers, just  _ looking _ at the man in front of him. Sirius sitting back on his heels, hands gripping still at the front of Remus’ crewneck.

Unclenching his hands from their hold on the front of Remus’ shirt. “Yeah,” Sirius parrots, a dopey grin plastered across his face. 

“You are- oh  _ my god,”  _ Remus whispers, hands still securely along Sirius’ jaw, his fingers just barely threading through Sirius’ curls. And before he could really stop himself, Sirius was reattaching their lips, hands sliding up and around the back of Remus’ neck. Remus grins, hands sliding down Sirius’ neck, palms of his hands just ghosting over Sirius’ ribs through his hoodie, hands finally planting firmly on Sirius’ square hips. 

Remus gently pulled Sirius onto his lap, brushing away a curl that had fallen into his face. Sirius feels his cheeks flush, leaning back in, lips ghosting over Remus’, and soon they’re  _ kissing. Oh god are they kissing.  _ Not like the kind that’s supposed to lead to anything more, just kidding for the sake of kissing, mouths woven together in something that’s slow, and warm, and  _ perfect.  _

_ Absolutely perfect.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come hang out with me on tiktok ! @twelve.grimmauld.place


	5. I Want To Tell You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I wish I knew you well, then I could speak my mind and tell you 
> 
> OR 
> 
> Remus and Sirius discover there is more than they are willing to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***!! TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER !!*** there are mentions of abuse within Sirius’ past romantic and sexual relationship. if you are at all triggered by stuff like this, PLEASE do what is best for you and your own mental health. if you wish to read, but are sensitive to this kind of thing i put asterisks around the possibly triggering material. i love all of you and i hope you all had a wonderful valentines day:)
> 
> ENORMOUS SHOUT OUT to isla and moa, who are my biggest supporters. I TRULY TRULY wouldn’t not be able to do all of this without them.

Remus’ shoulder was starting to ache with the length of this damned conversation. It wasn’t everyday that he got a call from his baby brother. He rarely talked to Felix, but they’d always been close, and every time he called it was sort of like no time had really passed between them, and their conversations sort of just picked up where they’d last left off. Things had obviously matured as the two of them had gotten older, Felix just on the brink of 20 and Remus well into being 26, their relationship had only blossomed as years passed. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll be there, you know I wouldn’t miss that kind of a thing,” Remus drawls, phone pressed between his cheek and shoulder as he lifted a carton of milk out of the grocery sack into his fridge. This week had been…  _ something,  _ and getting a random call from his brother this afternoon, completely out of the blue, was not something that he had expected. 

“It’s just like…” There was a distinct pause, silence hung over the line. “You know how dad gets about Julia’s birthday,” Felix’s slightly slurred speech crackles back through the speaker of the phone. Remus cringes, nodding, even though he knew that there was no way that Felix could see him. 

“I know, Fitzy,” Remus clips, bending down and switching the phone to his other ear, leaning his head down to, once again, pin the phone between his cheek and shoulder. “I’m coming. I promise, I just have to call into work, and get some… stuff… straightened out-” 

“You better,” Felix laughs, and it’s almost like Remus can picture him as he used to be, all spindly limbs sewn together through neon gym shorts, freckles, red-tipped ears and barking laughter. Nearly the baby, whisked up in making trouble, and rarely taking responsibility, care-free and blithe. “Dad’ll tan your fuckin’ hide if you don’t.” Remus chuckles in response, imagining his father, bushy brows knit downward and together, prominent nostrils flared, mouth pulled into a frown. 

A comfortable silence settles between the two of them, their chuckling subsiding, the only audible sound across was Felix’s soft wheezing. Remus lifts his head from his shoulder, moving his hand to hold his phone up to his ear. “Is Augustus coming?” he asks after a moment, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling at the chapped skin.

“I haven’t heard from Auggie in…”

“Months?” Remus asks, cringing again, biting down on his bottom lip again, hoping Felix wouldn’t answer. Augustus Caius, _ just like his namesake, _ was stubborn and jaded from the moment of conception, quick to anger, and slow to forgive. Auggie was the classic middle-child, all bite and no bark, existing in a limbo of too much and never enough, wrapped in a shower of love from Hope and stern looks from Lyall, simultaneously everything and nothing, the median, the middle, just as he’d always been. 

“Yeah,” Felix murmurs, and once again, Remus can picture him: Felix Vitus,  _ Lucky Life, _ in all of his present glory. This time leaning against a table, shoulders hunched forward, eyes just as bright as before, skin gnarled from skin grafts, still freckles, big brown eyes, and barking laughter. “Heard he’s working at that Sushi place uptown.”

“Really?” he hums, grabbing the empty paper grocery sack with one hand and putting it in the drawer with the rest of them. 

“Yeah. Supposedly, he and Mary decided to move in together, and she helped him get a job there. I dunno how much of that is true, but… I suppose it’s promising. Dad hasn’t really heard from him either,” his younger brother sighs, and Remus just  _ knows  _ he’s rolling his eyes. “It’s annoying.”

_ “Hey now,  _ he’s our brother,” Remus grunts, feeling his fists clench at his sides. “And you know that Auggie took all of this a lot worse than you or I did-” 

“He didn’t lose a twin! Remus, if anyone should be mad about how Augustus is acting it  _ should be you!”  _

“Fie,” Remus groans. “I am  _ not  _ the bad guy here. Don’t point the finger at me.” 

There’s a pause, Felix’s soft wheezing echoes across the line. “I know, Remy. I’m sorry. I just…”

“Me, too, Felix.” He breathes after a moment, the phone against his ear suddenly feeling  _ pounds  _ heavier in the palm of his hand. The pause between them turns from a few seconds to what felt like agonizing  _ minutes.  _ Remus didn’t want to be the first one to hang up, still able to hear the whistling of Felix’s breathing.

“So,” Remus clears his throat. “I’ll see you in a couple weeks? For Julia’s-”

“Sure, Re.” Felix grumbles, swiftly cutting Remus off. However, that wouldn’t stop Remus’ thoughts from racing to Julia, his sweet Julia Aureliana, who was meant to be _The Golden Child,_ his baby sister, the one he bottle fed, the one he held in his arms and rocked back to sleep when his mother was too tired. His kiddo, his champ, his honey bunny, he could almost picture her there, all knobby-knees and auburn curls, covered in freckles and bruises from playing just a little too hard on the playground. 

“‘Kay,” Remus hums, eventually pulled from his thoughts, then quickly follows up with, “How’s dad?” trying to switch the subject.

“New girlfriend,” Felix answers shortly, tone shifting to something much  _ colder  _ than Remus was used to. 

“Don’t like her?” He asks, trying his best to relax his tensed shoulders, rolling his head backwards to release some tension, phone still pressed against his ear. 

“She’s not  _ mom,”  _ Felix practically growls, and Remus felt everything in his body coil up, taut and clenched. 

“Well,  _ no,”  _ Remus answers, not wanting to say anything that would anger Felix. He wasn’t the one living at home. “But, you have to let dad like... meet new people, you know? Fitz, he can’t just stay at home and wallow in what happened,  _ you know that.  _ It wouldn’t be fair if you got to get better and dad didn’t.”

He hears Felix grunt across the line, crackly and muffled. “Fuck, I hate when you’re right.” 

“Mhmm,” Remus laughs, a soft smile spreading across his features. “I know you do.” 

“And, you’re always fuckin’ right.” 

“Whatever.” He scoffs in response, beginning to pace around his kitchen. “What’s new with you? How’s school?”

“It’s nice to be back, like taking classes again. I took that semester off, and it’s kinda tough getting back into it, but I should be graduating next spring if all goes well.” Felix chirps, and the warmth returns to his voice. “Are you ever gonna… go back?”

“Nah,” Remus answers quickly, shrugging. “I’m fine with what I do now. I make  _ plenty  _ enough to support myself.”

Felix snorts, “Yeah, taking your clothes off for old ladies!” 

“Shut up!” 

“You’re a stripper!” Felix argues. 

“I prefer exotic dancer-” 

“You’re so  _ smart,  _ Remus!” Felix cries. “RJ was always the jock, and you were the… nerd. It’s such a waste you’re not in school, Rem.” Remus resists the urge to roll his eyes. 

“You sound like dad,” Remus laughs, running a hand through his curls, taking a deep breath, thoughts racing around the idea of who he used to be, tall and lanky, always overshadowed by the mass of muscle that was his twin brother. But, Remus never minded, RJ was everything he’d always wanted to be, the puzzle piece that kept him together, two minutes older, always just a little bigger, just a little more playful, a little more likable, a little  _ more. _ Flashing back to late nights spent on the roof of their house, smoking marijuana and staring at the stars, mornings full of burnt coffee, mouths full of dry Cheerios, the smell diesel of the schoolbus, the ringing of the school bell. Romulus Jude,  _ Wild and Strong,  _ athletic, quick-witted, prom king material, who had a smile that lit up a room, built like a refrigerator, with his mother’s olive skin and mahogany hair. Remus John,  _ Refined and Gracious,  _ wispy, all too smart for his own good, who freckled rather than tanned, and could blow away in a strong wind, with his father’s strong nose and tawny curls. 

His mother had always reminded them that they were yin and yang, twins, partners in crime, built in best friends, but now all that was left was a companionship lost to the passage of time. “But, I’m  _ finally _ happy… isn’t that what matters?” Remus sighs. 

“You got a 1560 on your SAT!” 

“Now, I’m 209 pounds, and have full mobility in my upper body… who’s the real winner?” Remus chides, playfully. 

“Fuck you! It’s not my fault I still can't move my right hand! At least  _ I _ didn’t have to start working the pole to find my life’s purpose,” Felix laughs, his words chopped up by the laughter ripping through his chest. “Speaking of… how’s Tonks…?” 

“Oh hell,” Remus groans. “Haven’t spoken to them in… probably a year?” 

“You kinda fucked that one up, didn’t you?” 

“A bit.” He mumbles, feeling his cheeks flush red, remembering the strange, twisting relationship he’d developed with one of the bartenders who used to work at The Leaky Cauldron. 

“I liked them!” 

“So did I!” Remus laughs, shaking his head. “Not my fault! None of that was really my fault!” 

“Sure,” Felix hums. “Just like Emmeline wasn’t my fault either.”

“Emmeline breaking up with you was two thousand percent all your fault, you bastard!” 

“Don’t you think I know that!” The younger Lupin exclaims, his voice pitching upwards. The two of them break into laughter, thinking back on failed relationships. “Now you know how stupid you sound!” 

Finally recovering from his spout of laughter, Felix takes a wheezing breath, “I was going to ask you if you were seeing anyone new but-” He cuts himself off, his sharp laughter crackling through the phone’s small speaker. “But, now-”

Remus wheezes, suddenly pulled back to the cozy morning that he’d had with Sirius earlier that week, curled up on the couch watching CrimeWatch under a pile of blankets, lazy kisses shared between the two of them. But, the clock had struck noon, and he watched Sirius slip right through his fingers in a rush of ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I really have to go’. Remus was left sitting in the middle of his couch wondering what in the hell he could’ve possibly done that would’ve made Sirius react like that. But it was more than that, seeing that he had nothing but radio silence from Sirius since the incident, save for a text that read  **‘i had an amazing time… coffee again soon? x’.** They’d had a lengthy conversation, but Sirius had abruptly stopped responding after Remus had asked about the show Sirius was binging. And since then, absolutely  _ nothing.  _ He’d sent two or three ‘how was your day’ texts, but hadn’t gotten a response. 

Remus had sent him a text this morning, a nice  **“Hi:) would you be down to get lunch today or tomorrow maybe?”** But, had received absolutely nothing in response. Normally, he and Sirius talked fairly consistently, but now it had been nearly four days since he’d heard from Sirius. He tried not to let it bother him too much, and he didn’t want to smother the dude. Sirius had already been touchy enough with most things as it was. Remus would simply have to wait until Sirius chose to respond. 

“Well, sort of?” Remus offers Felix, shrugging. 

“Sort of seeing someone?” Felix chirps excitedly. “Really?” 

“I mean-”

“Tell me all about her!” Felix practically squeals. 

“I mean he’s great,” Remus replies. “We’ve only been talking for a couple of weeks I don't really know if it’s going to turn into anything really...”

“Oh? Did you guys meet at work?” he asks, voice curious. 

“No actually!” Remus laughs, thinking about Sirius coincidentally trailing him in whole foods, basket over his arm, clad in pajamas much too big for him. “Whole Foods.”

“So, we’re talking about the peak of romance I see?” Felix quips, smile seeping into his playful tone. 

“Oh absolutely. What about you, kid?” Remus asks. 

“Girl in my history class,” Felix explains. “We’re like  _ madly in love,  _ but she just doesn’t really know it yet.” 

“Ah, one of those  _ secret romances?”  _ Remus asks.

“Exactly!” Felix barks.

__

“Whip or lasso?” James asks, holding both of the props out to Remus, who sat at his vanity, chin in his hand, staring at his phone, which sat on the counter, switched off, no new notifications coming through.

“Lasso,” Remus murmurs, eyes still glued to the phone. Over the past ten days or so, Remus had convinced himself that he was taking this whole ghosting thing  _ really _ well. Only, it was times like these that he really missed the constant stream of notifications from Sirius. Getting ready for a night of work didn’t feel quite right without the flurry of flirty texts and weird selfies. 

“Quit moping, moony,” James groans, setting the bundle of rope next to him, reaching over to flick the brim of the cowboy hat that sat haphazardly on Remus’ head. 

“I am  _ not _ moping.” 

“And I’m  _ not _ the sexiest man alive,” James scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Come on, Romeo, let’s get you oiled up!” he shouts, pulling at Remus’ shoulders, shaking him slightly. 

“Not in the mood, Jamie,” Remus murmurs, forcing James to practically  _ drag _ him over to the vanity across the room. Remus had done such a good job, in his own humble opinion, but there was something about the perfect storm of Julia’s birthday all too rapidly approaching, constant emails from a lawyer that he  _ thought  _ he fired a long,  _ long  _ time ago, and the fact that he hadn’t gotten a text or call from Sirius in nearly two weeks that were nearly making Remus spiral. 

Not to mention, he’d had to call in and tell his boss that he was going to have to miss his shift this upcoming Saturday because he had to take Public Transit three hours south to his childhood home, and there was no way he could make it there and back in time for work. Now, he was going to get docked hours, docked pay, and would probably be out of a closing spot for the next month or so, just because he pissed off Kingsley. And all of this just for his baby sister’s eighteenth birthday that she wouldn’t even technically be celebrating. 

“Come on,  _ Remu,”  _ James grins, drizzling baby oil across the front of Remus’ chest, dragging his calloused hands across the freckled skin there. “Cowboys are supposed to be  _ lively.” _

“And you’re supposed to be the quiet, brooding one,” Remus growls. “So, shut the fuck up, _ Jesse James.” _

“Kitty has claws!” James screeches, smoothing the oil across Remus’ shoulder blades. “Also, I’m  _ definitely  _ John Wayne.” 

“How about Billy The Kid,” Remus rolls his eyes. 

“Jamie The Kid,” James giggles, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“I want to punch you,” Remus groans, shaking his head. 

“Can you chill,  _ Calamity Jane? _ Jesus!” James raises his eyebrows, looking Remus directly in the eyes. James’ piercing hazel meeting Remus’ warm brown. “What the hell is going on with you, dude?” 

James pumps a liberal amount of oil into the palm of his hand, rubbing it across his chest, abdomen, and shoulders. His eyes went soft as he looked back at Remus, who stood there, legs crossed, arms at his side, thumb worrying at the edge of his red shorts. 

“I mean,” James takes a baby wipe to the palm of his hand, wiping away the oil. “Rem, you don’t have to tell me right now, but these past couple of days… you haven’t been acting like yourself, and I’m just… worried about you, buddy. Obviously, something’s got you down, and I know Julia’s eighteenth is coming up, and I know I can’t do much to help. But Remus, dude, I care about ya. You know that.”

Remus looked up at James, all sable ringlets and copper skin, jade eyes and full lips, broad as he is tall. In that moment, Remus swore he almost saw  _ him,  _ right there in front of him, right where James was standing. Undeniably, he saw him, right then, in James. And, maybe it was the alarm in his eyes, maybe it was the set of his brow, maybe it was the way that he stood, large hand against Remus’ shoulder, maybe it was the sound of his voice, but there, backstage at the Leaky Cauldron,  _ he was there.  _

“Rom- James, I’m-” Remus sighs, looking away, finally, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s all just… a lot,’ He chokes out finally, looking up at the ceiling, suddenly realizing how close to tears he truly was, blinking a few times, hoping to clear his vision. 

“Yeah,” James hums, dropping his hand from Remus’ shoulder, walking over, across the room, to pull his own cowboy hat off of a hook. “Okay, well… let’s get milkshakes after tonight, yeah?” 

Remus nods in response, jokingly tipping his hat at James, who giggled at the strange sight. The two of them had decided to take the Cowboy Routine that night, seeing as it was a Wednesday night, and James just, ‘felt like switching it up’. He probably got some kind of sense that Remus needed something other than the shit state of his life to focus on. 

“Until then, put your assless chaps on, we have a show to do!” James said, smacking Remus right in the middle of the stomach, effectively knocking the wind out of him. Then, pushing open the door that opened down to the club’s floor, James let out a low, “Giddy up, Remus.” 

“Yee haw, James,” Remus responded, shaking his head. 

___

Sirius held his breath, waiting outside the club, leg shaking in anticipation. “Are you sure you don’t actually want me to come in with you?” Marlene asks from beside Sirius, hands wrapped protectively around her swollen belly. 

“You really,  _ really  _ think they’re gonna let you in looking like you do?” Sirius gives her a pointed look. 

“What!” Marlene squeals. “You think I can’t kick some serious ass like this?” She asks, pure disbelief dripping from her voice. 

“You’re seven months pregnant, you idiot.”

“So? I could kick  _ your ass,”  _ Marlene snarls, faking an uppercut, lightly pressing her fist under Sirius’ chin. He shook his head, barely able to keep the smug smile off his face. 

“I’m sure, Marls.” He states, confidently, mustering as big a smile as he could. “I’m just nervous.”

“Hey,” she soothes, softly rubbing up and down his leather clad arm. “Look, it’s not your fault what happened! I mean, come on, you got a new phone and everything! Even the  _ police  _ were involved! He’s gotta understand.” 

“I just can’t help feeling like I pissed all of that away, you know? I  _ know  _ I had no idea any of that was gonna happen, but holy- Marley it  _ threw me,”  _ Sirius breathes, raking a hand through his messy curls. 

“It would throw  _ anyone,  _ babe. You had no idea he was just going to  _ show up _ at your fucking living space. Jesus-”

“Yeah,” Sirius nods, shoving his hands back deep into his jean pockets, looking down at the floor. “I just… I feel so bad on every front. I just- even if I have no chance, I just… I want to  _ try.” _

“And that’s  _ huge!  _ I remember when you were telling Minnie that you never thought you were ever going to look for another partner. This is a big deal, honey.” 

Sirius nods, anxiously moving his feet as the line into the club slowly got shorter, and shorter,  _ and shorter,  _ until he and Marlene were right at the bouncer. And that was where she left him, just like he had asked. “Remember, Siri, just… be honest!” Marlene said, patting his shoulder, before walking into the restaurant next door, just until Dorcas could come get her. He showed the bouncer his ID, and then he was inside. 

God,  _ what could he even say?  _ There was too much to explain, too much to unpack for him, obviously way, way too much for Remus to ever be friends again, let alone something else.  _ Oh, hey, Remus, sorry I ghosted you for two weeks, my ex-boyfriend just randomly showed up at me and Lily’s apartment, and I know that’s not a good excuse usually. But, I actually have a restraining order against him because of all of the shit that happened while we were together. And, yeah. I know that sounds bad. So, basically, I’ve spent the last nine days moving around because we had to move apartment blocks, I had to get a new phone number, and the police got involved. But, I’m really sorry, do you think you can forgive me?  _

Sirius shook his head, realizing that was just the abbreviated version, and full-body shuddered at the thought of telling the  _ real  _ truth about that scumbag. If he unloaded everything that got him to this point, he  _ knows  _ he’d be sending Remus running for the hills.  _ Yeah, basically I’m a recovering alcoholic that used to basically suck dick for a place to sleep. I was a narcotics-dependent escort with a body count well over 100, but do you wanna be my boyfriend? _

Sure. Sirius  _ definitely  _ had a chance.  __

Most of the club wreaked of a musk that was probably  _ supposed  _ to smell like sex-appeal and like manliness, but to Sirius it smelled like a cheap attempt to cover up the smell of sweat. Just as usual, the club was lit in dim purple lighting, and the closer he got to where he’d sat the first night he showed up there, the more he realized he  _ shouldn't be there.  _ At least, not with everything that had been happening back at the flat. God he was a shitty friend. He was a shitty love interest. And, by god, if his life story was some kind of a movie, then Christ on the Bloody Cross, he was a shitty main character. 

He sat himself down, eyes scanning over the crowd, eyes catching on the head of tight jet black curls. It was the broad expanse of the not-so-stranger’s back that gave him away, a tattoo of a buck’s head between his shoulder blades, black ink barely visible against his cinnamon skin in this lighting.  _ James, _ Sirius remembered from the way he’d undressed Lily with his eyes that glowed emerald under the low lighting of the club.  _ James,  _ Sirius remembered from the fondness that crept into Remus’ voice when he talked about the man.  _ James,  _ he’d remembered from the posters that were on every street corner in this part of town, advertising  _ Prongs,  _ the performer you just  _ had to come see.  _

Sirius ducked his head, instinctively twisting the rings that adorned his bony fingers, picking at the chipping maroon polish on his nails.  _ What would he say?  _ He felt his phone grow heavy in his back pocket, he could easily ask James for Remus’ number, could easily just walk over to where James was chatting up some women across the club, could  _ easily  _ do what he  _ needed to do.  _ But yet, Sirius was glued to his seat, head down, unkempt hair falling in front of his eyes. 

He was sure he looked like a complete wreck, _ how couldn’t he?  _

***** “What in the  _ actual fuck  _ are you doing here? You  _ should not  _ be here,” He hears a familiar voice from behind him, but this time, there wasn’t even a  _ little  _ bit of softness in his voice. He could practically see Remus’ nostrils flaring, his teeth gritting, his eyebrows furrowed. Sirius lifts his head, hesitantly. 

“I- Remus-” Sirius begins, raising his voice over the music, but where could he even start? 

“I asked you a fucking question,” Remus snarls, stepping in front of where Sirius is sitting. If it were under any other circumstances, Sirius might have actually  _ laughed _ at the way Remus was dressed. He wore a red bandana around his neck, a black felt cowboy hat over his tawny curls, red short-shorts, and assless chaps slung low on his hips. There was a lasso attached to his belt loops, and his chest was completely bare, slicked with oil, the heavy scarring across his chest almost glowing in the low lighting. “What are you doing here?” He asks again, but something in his voice makes it sound more like a command than a question. 

“I came because I- I had to get a new phone and I lost your number,” Sirius fumbles, suddenly realizing how  _ big  _ Remus was, standing right in front of him, towering over him, all thick muscle and gritted teeth. The eyes that had always held nothing but kindness, were suddenly a deep mahogany, flushing almost  _ red  _ with anger. Remus was  _ seething.  _

“That doesn’t explain why you fucking- you ghosted me!” Remus scoffs, rolling his eyes in annoyance, arms crossing over his chest, shaking his head. “You could’ve messaged me on like instagram or something!” 

“I promise- I promise I can explain, Remus!” Sirius exclaims, skittering backwards. Nevermind that Sirius didn’t have instagram-  _ he couldn’t, that’d be so terribly dangerous-  _ it was rather cruel that he’d left Remus in the dark for so long.  _ Was it hot in there? Is it normal for your heart to beat this fast?  _ Sirius pushed his chair backwards, standing up quickly, he could  _ at least  _ be in the same center of gravity of Remus if he decided to-

“Fucking explain, then!” Remus says, throwing his hands up in protest. Sirius flinches, arms instinctively coming up to protectively cover his face. 

“I- I did! I got a new phone!” Sirius cries, hands out in front of him, doing his best to distance himself from the man, face turned away from Remus, bracing for impact. 

An unsettling silence settles between the two of them, anything that Sirius was preparing for wasn’t coming. Slowly, he opened his eyes, looking to Remus who stood directly in front of him, arms dropped to his sides. Remus’ eyes were gentle suddenly, brows creased together in concern, rather than furrowed, lips pursed.

_Pity._ Sirius realized with a shudder as his eyes raked over Remus’ relaxed posture. Sirius was shaking, hands fumbling for his wallet that laid on the table where he’d been sitting. “You know what,” He spits, suddenly filled with a feeling of _unbridled rage._ How dare Remus look at him like that, _take pity on him,_ un _fucking_ believable. “I never should’ve come. You’re right.” 

“Sirius!” Remus calls out, catching Sirius’ arm with a strong hand, his touch practically searing Sirius’ upper arm. “Can you just  _ slow down for a second!”  _

“Don’t fucking  _ touch me!”  _ Sirius snarls, tearing his arm away from Remus. And to be honest, he hadn’t realized that he’d started crying until he heard the sound of his voice pitch up at the end of his statement. But, suddenly, he could feel it, the steady stream of tears that were streaking down the fronts of his cheeks. “I just came here to try to apologize for- I wanted to say sorry-” Sirius attempts, his breathing ragged as he felt his throat getting tight behind the wave of  _ overwhelming _ emotions he was feeling. 

“Look,” Remus sighs, pulling up the cowboy hat and then scrubbing a hand through his hair. “I’ve just had a really  _ rough week,  _ okay? I’m not- well I  _ was upset  _ with you- but, now I realize… I realize you’ve  _ also  _ obviously had a rough week…” 

“Don’t.” Sirius whimpers, sniffing, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. “Don’t even start, Remus-” 

“Can you let me talk?” Remus cuts Sirius off, internally scolding himself as he watches Sirius flinch at the uptick in his voice. He sighs, standing up straighter, licking his lips before continuing. “I was mad. Yeah, I’m not gonna deny that I got  _ way too mad  _ over something stupid. I really like you, Sirius and you just- you fell off the face of the map...” Remus groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. “And, honestly, I was… I’ve just had  _ quite the week,  _ and so have you. I  _ really  _ didn’t anticipate you just  _ showing up here,  _ not that I’m not like- well- God, Sirius. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted like I did,” 

“Lily  _ did  _ say this was a bad idea,” Sirius chuckles, his voice watery. “God, and now I’m crying in front of you! How… endearing.” 

Remus laughs at that, throwing his head back, shaking his head. “We’re both messes, huh? Listen, I don’t go on for a little bit… Do you want to go to the back and just  _ talk about this?  _ I can give you my new number and all that?”

“I…” Sirius turned the idea over in his head, weighing his options. He couldn’t help the fact that his throat felt tight, his head didn’t quite feel like it was attached to his body, and his hands were still  _ trembling  _ at his sides where he clutched his phone and wallet. “I’m not sure,” he croaks, honestly. 

“Okay,” Remus nods. “Would you like me to walk you outside? I can call you a cab, on me.” 

Sirius’ head was reeling, chest heavy, brain moving much slower than his heart, desperately trying to make the decision that would cost him the least. “I just- I wanted to apologize.” 

“And, you did! It’s not your fault I acted like a prick. I just had a lot of things going on this week, but that’s not an excuse for me to have treated you like I did,” Remus replies, going to reach out for Sirius, before retreating his hand right back down to his side. “You don’t owe me an explanation, or an apology for that matter, I need to learn to be more understanding. Leave your number if you want, or don’t. I can go get Jamie, and he can walk you out, if that would make you more comfortable.” 

“I don’t need help,” Sirius states simply, eyes still glassy, his mind still shuddering and whirring, desperately trying not to go foggy, and keep up with the conversation. “I can handle myself.” 

“I never said you couldn’t,” Remus soothes, his voice dulcet. “Just slow down, ok?” 

Sirius took a deep breath, eyes bouncing between Remus, all decked out in a campy cowboy outfit, to James, who donned an equally Daliesque cowboy get-up, complete with red-leather chaps and black bandana around his neck.  _ There’s a reason you clammed up. Look at him.  _ Sirius meets Remus’ eyes, seeing nothing but the warm topaz, any hint of darkness having left them. *****

“I’m leaving.” Sirius states simply, breathing in deeply through his nose. He shouldn’t say sorry, because he shouldn’t _ have to. There wasn’t a damn thing he was sorry for.  _ “Sorry for wasting your time.” 

“You didn’t  _ waste my time,”  _ Remus replies, his voice strained, his hands rested against the worn belt loops of his chaps. The scene, from the outside probably looked like something out of a bad porno, with Sirius in day clothes, wiping at tears that were no longer visible, and Remus dressed up like a character from a Johnny Cash film. “Sirius, you can go, but I  _ need  _ you to know that I’m- I’m not upset with you. Not even in the  _ slightest.  _ And- Sirius- I’d  _ never, ever,  _ ever…” Remus trails off, looking down at his hands. 

Sirius stared at him, lip trembling, lights overhead flashing in multiple colors as some song by  _ The Weeknd  _ played loudly in the background. “Do you have a pen?” 

“I- Let me go grab you one!” Remus stammers excitedly, running toward the bar to grab a pen out of one of the cups on the countertop. Most of the tension having ebbed away, Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle at the way Remus looked, assless chaps resting over top red, metallic spandex. He took a shaky breath, trying to focus on the feeling of his phone in his left hand and wallet in his right.  _ He wasn’t in any danger, he was safe.  _ Remus was safe. 

Sirius stood there awkwardly, tapping his shoes on the concrete flooring, watching as Remus waded back through people, finally approaching him again, dutifully holding out a pen and a slightly crumpled napkin. “Here,” Remus sighs, slightly out of breath. 

“Thank you, Remus,” Sirius murmurs, taking the pen and napkin from his hands, quickly scribbling down his number, desperately trying to ignore the steady trembling of his fingers. Finishing, he stood up quickly, holding the napkin and pen out to Remus, a weak smile tugging on his lips. 

“No, thank  _ you,”  _ Remus hums, nodding and reaching out to take the pen and napkin from Sirius, careful not to let their fingers brush, not wanting to  _ touch him. _ “I’ll text you,” Remus promises, brows knit together, obvious concern still painting his features. 

Sirius just nods, pulling his phone out, turning on his heel and bolting for the door to the club, not wanting to be anywhere unfamiliar at the moment. His legs felt like jelly, muscles exhausted from clenching and unclenching from moments of white-hot panic that he’d just experienced, heart still thrumming steadily against the front of his rib cage, blood rushing in his ears.  _ Just get outside and call Lily. Lily will know what to do. Lily will come get you.  _

The night was chilly, the air cutting through the thin flannel like a hot knife through butter, a chill running down his spine, a shudder sending his head bobbing forward slightly as shaky fingers fumbled for Lily’s contact. 

_ Now Calling: my lils _

Sirius tried to ground himself, listening to the hum of the ring of the phone trying to connect, the feeling of the cold wind against his skin, the damp smell of tobacco that radiated off him, the pale orange glow of the streetlight against the nearly empty street. The phone kept ringing, Sirius’ grip on the phone getting tighter with each steady ring, coming loud and clear through the earpiece. 

“Siri?” Lily’s concerned tone quickly came through the speaker, and Sirius breathed out a heavy sigh of relief that he hadn’t really realized he was holding in.  _ Thank god.  _

“Yeah, Lil- it’s…” Sirius trailed off, suddenly choking on the words that he’d been so desperate to get out just moments before. “Can you-”

“Baby,” Lily soothes softly, voice slightly muffled through the phone. “We’re on our way to SouthPort, Eloise has a recital tomorrow, remember?” 

_ “Fuck,  _ that’s right…” Sirius whispers, both hands clutching the phone. “I’ll call Dorky.” 

“Are you alright?” 

“Fine,” Sirius lies easily, swallowing a sob. “Just- just went to see Remus and things didn’t exactly go as planned is all…” 

_ “Shit,  _ Sev, honey, turn around,” Lily commands, probably placing her hand over the reliever in an attempt to muffle her voice, but Sirius could still easily hear her. 

“No!” Sirius exclaims. “Go see Ellie.  _ Please.  _ I can tell you about it when I get home.” 

“Are- Sirius, are you sure?” 

“Positive.” He promises, a fleeting feeling of warmth blooming in the middle of his chest. “Have fun with Ellie Bellie. You barely ever get to see her. I’ll call Dorcas and Marley.” 

“Call me when you get home?” Lily asks after a tough minute of silence between them. 

“Always.” 

__

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” James states confidently, flicking his cowboy hat into the corner of the dressing room. 

“You  _ know _ that makes me nervous,” Remus chuckles, placing his own hat down on the vanity in front of him. 

“Okay, first of all, I’m deeply hurt by your statement,” James says, flicking Remus in the back of the head. “Second off, my  _ brilliant  _ thought is actually something that works out in your favor, you dumbass.” 

Remus rolls his eyes, looking at James with eyebrows raised. “Oh please, do  _ tell _ .” 

“What if I came with you to SouthPoint this weekend?” James asks, shrugging, attempting to seem nonchalant, but the high-pitch gave away how hesitant he was about asking that. 

“You want- Jamie…” Remus shakes his head. “You know I can’t ask you to come to Julia’s birthday… Dad would be-”

“No!” James exclaims, quickly. “No, Remu! No. I am  _ not  _ inventing myself to Julia’s eighteenth. I just meant… I could drive, so then you wouldn’t have to take the bus. And I’ll just loiter in that coffee shop on Main Street or something, and then… like you don’t have to suffer in your childhood bedroom with all of those pic-”

“You’d do that?” Remus asks, suddenly feeling a rush of emotion washing over him, tears pricking at the edges of his eyes. 

“Remus? Are you joking?  _ Of course!”  _

“Oh- Jamie you are… James,  _ thank you,”  _ Remus breathes, watery and exhausted. “I-I’ll quite literally never be able to repay you. Holy…”

“Hey now!” James chides, reaching out to place a soft hand against Remus’ shoulder. “No need to repay me! This is what friends do, Rem.” 

“I know! It’s just-”

“I can’t believe you thought I’d invite myself to your sister’s birthday… that is  _ cold,  _ Remus. Do you really think I’m that tactless?” 

“Do you want me to answer honestly?” Remus chuckles, voice still slightly shaky. 

“No.” James groans, pointedly, rolling his eyes and shaking his head in utter disbelief. “I can not believe you.” 

“Tsk, tsk, James.” 

A moment of comfortable silence passes between the two, Remus toweling off while James slowly undresses, the two of them getting ready to go home. “Jem,” Remus says after a moment, glancing at the man through the reflection in his vanity. 

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you,” Remus says, simply, flashing a tight smile in his direction, doing his best to convey how  _ truly, truly  _ grateful he was for the fact that James was going two hours out of his way just to play chauffeur. But, it was more than that. It was. “I mean it, Jamie.” 

“I love you, too, Remu,” James answers simply, sending Remus a pointed look, punctuated with a mischievous grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come hang out on tiktok @twelve.grimmauld.place :)


	6. Julia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you. 
> 
> OR
> 
> Remus, James, Sirius and Lily find themselves inexplicably intertwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO PATIENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> ****TW FOR MENTIONS OF DECEASED LOVED ONES ******

SouthPort was a town that never seemed to change, from the melancholy storefronts that yellow with age, their red neon signs blinking in sad consistency, completely unchanging. Blue and green striped awnings outstretched over the entrances to stores that lined Main Street, display windows filled with aged merchandise, a large water tower looming in the distance, just far off enough to almost make you feel like you were entering some kind of parallel universe. There’s a tired cathedral on the corner of Fifth and Monroe, egg-shell colored paint flaking off of the old wooden siding, the steeple sort of looked like it might topple over if someone in the congregation sneezed a little too loud, and the antique stained glass had gone pastel from years of sunshine streaming through the windows. There’s an ice-cream shop, Zappie’s, on Third Street that seems stuck in the same time period as the rest of this tiny town. It was  _ the place _ to be after football games, which were played in Greyback Stadium, donated by the Greyback family to SouthPoint High sometime in the early 70’s. 

“Nothing ever changes,” Remus sighs, leaning his elbow on the center console of James’ car. James hums, just nodding in agreement, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, hand swiftly returning to the wheel.

“But, hey,” James chuckles weakly, pointing to a promotional sign in the window of a corner store. “Go TimberWolves!” 

Remus burst out laughing at that, eyes catching on the brightly colored flyer in the store’s window that had a picture of his high school’s mascot, Southy, holding a football. “Yeah, Jamie…  _ Go TimberWolves.”  _

“What? Was that the wrong thing to say?” James asks after a moment, concerned at the way that Remus leaned his head against the window, shoulders shaking with laughter.

“No! No. Absolutely not,” Remus wheezes, statements still chopped up by breathy laughter. “It’s- it’s the exact  _ right  _ thing to say. Go TimberWolves.”

“Oh,” James laughs, trying to gage the unfamiliarity of this situation, turning from Main Street to Adams, a quaint little road lined with white-picket fence houses, all cookie cutter minus different coloring, each one  _ exactly  _ the same, in various shades of yellow, blue, green, and red. Each little house had a front yard, a few houses had signs staked into the front yard advertising their son’s name and number on the SouthPoint football team, punctuated at the bottom with “Go TimberWolves!” in big, red, block-lettering. 

“Mackintosh,” Remus hums, nodding at one of the little signs in the yard. “Julia’s friend. Scouted to go play at some  _ huge  _ college next year, then maybe play in the pros. It’s crazy.” 

James hums in acknowledgement, laying on the brakes and rolling to a slow halt at the stop sign. “Turn here?” 

“Yeah. Left,” Remus explains, pointing to a long street that descends to a small cul-de-sac. “Our house is the blue one at the end of the street.”

“Yeah,” James replies, slowly rolling down the street, only having been here once before, last March for Remus’ twenty-fifth birthday, a surprise party set up by his little brother. But, nothing much had really changed since then. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks, hesitantly. 

“I’m alright. Just… feeling strange about all of it,” Remus shrugs, eyes still glued out the window, the expanse of the setting of his childhood sprawling out, right in front of him. “I just hope dad isn’t being weird about all of this… you remember my 25th…” he drawls, looking at James, shaking his head. 

“Yeah, I remember.” James states plainly, pulling up the steep driveway to a quaint aegean blue house at the end of the street.  _ And he did remember.  _ The sight of it all: a gaunt, older man with salt and pepper hair and thick glasses acting all too chipper to celebrate his sons’ 25th birthdays, especially when one of them was no longer alive. He remembered the tall man practically vibrating out of his skin, running to thank James for coming, offering him a drink and food in a way that was much too frantic and formal for something as simple as a birthday party. 

“Well,” Remus sighs, reaching behind James to the backseat to grab the potted plant that he’d snagged from the florist before they’d left the city that morning. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours, pal.” 

“Yeah, buddy. I’ll be at that diner on Main probably, so just call me if you need anything.” 

“Will do,” Remus nods, throwing the passenger side door open and stepping carefully out of the car. 

* * *

The ‘Diner’ on Main Street that James was referring to was a sweet little mom and pop style burger joint, you know the types, with checkerboard flooring, neon lights, and a jukebox in the corner of the restaurant. It was affectionately named  _ Lovegood’s  _ after the owners, an eccentric couple who’d never been anything but kind to James in the  _ handful  _ of times he’d eaten there, you know, Special Occasions when Remus was just  _ really  _ craving food from home.

The bell above the door jingled as James walked into the semi-familiar place, book tucked under his arm, wallet safely in his back pocket. There were pink-topped linoleum tables scattered around the diner, and mint green booths around the perimeter of the place. The diner was practically deserted, most of the town out that night, there was a football game being played at the high school. This didn’t really mean much, except for the fact that the entire town had practically had slowed to a crawl, streets empty, most stores closed early, restaurants deserted. The entire town was sitting in the bleachers, enjoying the  _ epic highs and lows of high school football.  _

“Couldn’t stay away from my apple pie, could you, Jim?” the slender blonde man asks from behind the counter, grinning at James. 

“You know me so well, Phil,” James chuckles, sitting himself down at the long expanse of the bar, and Xenophilius sets a menu down in front of him. 

“I doubt you’ll need this, but I’ll leave it there for you anyway. Dora will be out to get your order in a second,” Phil explains, patting the menu a couple times before walking through a door towards the kitchen. Pandora Lovegood appeared just seconds later, a pen through her messy bun, smiling softly at James. 

“Well isn’t this a nice surprise!” she cheers, patting him playfully on the arm. “What the heck are you doin’ here?”

James returns the smile, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “Didn’t want Remus to have to brave Julia’s birthday weekend alone, so I drove him here so he wouldn’t have to take the bus,” James murmurs, shrugging. 

“Ah, it’s Julia’s  _ already?”  _ Pandora asks, huffing. “The days really get away from me, sheesh!” 

James chuckles, nodding, demeanor a little sterile. “Yeah, I get it. Time flies.”

“That it does…” Pandora hums. “Where are youse gonna stay?” 

“Probably the Inn,” James answers, mindlessly flipping through the menu. “The drive’s just far enough that it’s like such a pain to go back home, just to drive back tomorrow.”

“Ah, good. The Moody’s will take good care of ‘ya… Now, what can I get you? The Usual?”

“Please,” James chirps, pushing the menu towards Pandora with a smile. “Thank you.” 

“Coming right up,” She grins, patting his cheek and walking back towards the kitchen. 

James leaned forward on his stool, hands folded gently in front of him, resting against the thin, pink linoleum of the countertop, eyes darting around the diner. It was completely empty, save for an elderly couple that sat right in the corner, chattering away, leaned over their shared strawberry milkshake. It was so weird, all of it, the peacefulness of his surroundings. There was practically a bomb going off inside the Lupin home, just blocks away, and James was sitting here, in the middle of a little diner, on a friday in early October, and everything felt  _ so normal.  _ It felt so mundane, so easy, so  _ routine,  _ so  _ typical, so natural, _ all of it. 

It wasn’t long before Pandora appeared back in front of James, a monster of a cheeseburger on a plate in one hand, an enormous chocolate milkshake in the other hand, complete with a mountain of whipped cream and cherry. “Here you are, dear.” 

“Thank you, ma’am,” James hums, flashing her the best smile he could muster. 

“Of course, James,” She nods, pushing a lock of flaxen hair away from her face. 

James couldn’t help but be embarrassed at how easily he dug into his food, stomach growling, mouth watering at the food in front of him. He’d spent the entirety of last night and this morning talking Remus down, watching his friend pace back and forth across the apartment floor, arms wrapped around his own middle. This entire week had been hell for Remus, and James was more than cognizant of it, but he was stuck vacillating in between wanting to get close to  _ help,  _ and wanting to leave Remus space to breathe. 

_ He’d never been good with boundaries… nor emotional intelligence.  _ That had always been Remus’ strength. Remus always knew when something was up with James, and always knew exactly how to make it better. But,  _ there was so much about Remus that was closed off.  _ And, that alone left James nearly completely in the dark on most things, blindly fumbling around in hopes of doing something to make whatever Remus was going through even marginally better. 

But, unfortunately, in a situation like this, there wasn’t much that James could really do. 

Sighing, James leaned forward to take another sip of his milkshake, the coldness of the liquid making him shiver and pull his jacket against his shoulders, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the counter. Reaching to his left, he grabbed the book he’d brought with him, opening it to the first page, smiling softly to himself at the highlighter marks over the chunks of text and faded blue pen in the margins. Nevermind that he’d read this book more than probably a dozen times, it never failed to bring him the same amount of joy as when he’d first cracked it open in the tenth grade. 

The small book’s vinyl cover was badly weathered, the spine practically falling apart, the pages inside as soft as cotton from years of James’ thumbing through them, the ink on the paper having faded to a weaker grey. Breathing deeply, James’ eyes scanning over the first page, he took another sip of his milkshake. “In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.  _ Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, _ he told me,  _ just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.”  _ read the first line of F. Scott Fitzegerald’s  _ The Great Gatsby.  _

Instantly, he was pulled into the shoes of Nick Carraway and absorbed into a time period marked by big, fancy gatherings, silken suits, and unrequited love. A story with characters so incredibly focused on the trivial things, that they couldn't see past their own insecurities to find love right in front of them. Daisy Buchanan, a hopeless lass, wrapped up in the trials and tribulations of being just relatively  _ helpless and terrible,  _ linked to a dude who sucked major dick-hole and was pretty racist. Jay Gatsby, blinded by a love that didn’t even really exist, brandished with more wealth than he knew what to do with, also swept up in being relatively  _ helpless and terrible.  _ And realistically, James knew that he would  _ hate  _ everyone in this book, you know, if he really knew them in real life. But there was something about feeling like you were James Gatz’s latest and greatest comrade… it was  _ magical.  _

It could’ve been hours, but it really had only felt like minutes as James was jolted upright. The bell above the door to the diner jingled somewhere in the background as someone entered the restaurant, practically making James jump out of his skin at the unexpected disturbance. Realizing what had happened, he lowered himself back to his book, trying not to pay it any mind. He noticed that the sun had set, and the milkshake in front of him had sort of melted into a soupy mess. 

“Ellie! Hold on! Let me-” A familiar voice came from the doorway as a pittering of small, clacking footsteps came echoing throughout the diner.

“No, Lulu! I’m getting my Milkshake! Sevvy said I could!” the chirps of an impatient child could be heard just behind James. “Mrs. L is going to get it for me.” 

The child works her little limbs over the bar’s stool that was just as big as she was, trying desperately to hoist herself onto the seat just next to James, soft russet curls falling down her back. She was dressed in some kind of costume or uniform, black leotard and black tutu, shiny black tap shoes on her small feet.  _ Ellie,  _ James remembers from the woman’s voice at the door, looks up at him, eyes a glassy onyx, brows furrowed in deep concentration, legs hung helplessly over the side of the stool.

“Need help?” He chuckles softly, looking at the small child, who still weakly kicked her legs in an attempt to get up and onto the stool. 

“No!” She grunts. “I can do it myself.” 

James puts his hands up in defense of himself, feeling a soft smile spread across his lips. “Okay,” He responds easily, trying to take her seriously, watching her reddening cheeks as her small arms try desperately to hold her body weight.

She struggles for a few more seconds, then grunts, looking up at James, “Okay, maybe I lied.” 

“Want a little help?” 

“Yes,” She sighs, dropping back onto the floor, tap shoes clicking loudly against the tile flooring. 

“Eloise… where have our manners gone?” A gravelly, male voice comes from behind the pair. “Yes, what?” 

Ellie’s face scrunches up in annoyance, glancing up at the man behind her, then back to James, who held out his hands for her. “Yes please?” she sighs, looking again up at the man who stood behind James. He hummed in approval, and she turned her attention to James’ still outstretched hands. She grinned up at him, freckles covering her glowing cheeks, one of her front teeth missing. Gratefully, she puts her little hands in James’, who lifts her easily into the stool next to him. 

“Thanks!” She chirps, her ‘s’ sound lisping slightly as her tongue floats over the hole in her mouth. 

“You’re welcome,” James smiles at her, watching her immediately start kicking her legs, shiny black tutu glimmering in the light of the diner. He directs his attention back to the book in front of him. 

“I’m going to the bathroom. Sissy will be back in a second, ok?” the same male voice rumbles, and James watches a man with dark hair drop a kiss onto the crown of the little girl’s head. The little girl nods, smacking the palms of her hands on the counter softly, drumming on the tabletop in anticipation. 

James' eyes continued to scan the book in front of him, attention drawn away from Eloise, who sat next to him, chin in her hand, watching him intensely. “Whatcha reading?” 

It took James a second to really register that the small child was even walking to him, “What?” 

_ “I said,”  _ she sighed, rolling her eyes in annoyance, “Whatcha reading?” 

James couldn't help but hold back a giggle at her fiery attitude, her round cheeks cupped by her small hands as she balanced her head in her hands. “The Great Gatsby,” He replies easily, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

“What’s that?” she asks, staring up at him dreamily.

“It’s a classic,” James shrugs, unsure how to explain the complexity of the book to a small child. “It’s all about this guy called Nick who makes friends with this rich guy called Jay."

“Sounds boring,” Eloise grumbles. 

“I don’t think so,” James shrugs, closing the book, dog-earing the page that he was on. “I think it’s good. There’s a pretty epic love story in it.” 

“Epic love story?” she asks, eyes suddenly as big as saucers. 

“Yeah, that guy, Jay, that I talked about?” James says, trying his best to entertain the child until her caretakers returned. Ellie nods. “He’s in love with this girl named Daisy. But, Daisy is married to a different guy, his name is Tom, who she doesn’t even love.”

“I  _ hate _ Tom,” Ellie decides right away, folding her arms over her chest. 

James laughs, “Me too, kid. Tom is  _ the worst.”  _

“I’m not a kid!” Ellie suddenly shouts, brows furrowing at James. “My  _ name  _ is  _ Eloise.”  _

James holds his hands up in defense of himself, “My bad! My bad!” 

The pair sat in awkward silence for a few moments, Ellie turned away from James, obviously incensed by the ‘kid’ comment. However, the silence didn’t last long, as James reached again for his book, opening it back up to the dog-eared page, and beginning to pick up where he’d last left off. 

“What happens to Daisy and Jay… does Jay save her from Tom?” Ellie asks, timidly, after a moment. 

James bites his cheek, debating whether or not to lie to this  _ kid  _ sitting right in front of him. “Well…” 

“Ellie!” a familiar female voice calls from across the diner. “I’m sorry about her, she’s just so friendly. We’re still working on the ‘don’t talk to strangers’, you know the whole ‘stranger danger’ thing. Honestly, I swear she could  _ make friends with the wall,  _ I am so sorry if she’s bothering you-  _ James?”  _

James looks away from Eloise, and his eyes meet  _ hers.  _ The girl from the club, the girl who he was hung up on for  _ weeks,  _ the pretty redhead with tattoos and a brassy attitude.  _ Lily.  _ “Lily! What’re you doing here?” 

“What are  _ you  _ doing here!” She squeaks, grinning at him, a smile absolutely lighting up across her face. 

“Oh god, long story,” James sighs, scratching the back of his neck, flashing her a soft smile, eyes bouncing between the little girl on the stool, and the beautiful woman in front of him. 

“My boyfriend and I are on Ellie-Bellie Duty this weekend,” Lily shoots Eloise a playful grin. “Her parents are going out of town for a work thing,” Lily explains nonchalantly, ruffling Ellie’s hair. 

“Family friends?” James asks, realizing too late that he was probably prying. 

“No, no! This is Sev’s brother’s little girl, Eloise. She’s… my niece?… in law?” Lily explains, shrugging, locking eyes with Eloise, grinning at her. Eloise took this as an  _ obvious  _ signal that Lily wanted a hug, because she stood up on the chair, launching herself at Lily. 

Completely caught off guard, Lily quickly wrapped her arms around Ellie’s tiny body, groaning on impact. “Jesus Ells! You gotta warn me, dude!” 

“I’m not a dude!” Ellie growls, brows furrowed. 

“Dude! Yeah you are,” Lily laughs, sliding Eloise against her hip. “James, again, I am so sorry that she came over and started bugging you. We’re still working on-” 

“Lily,” James hums. “It’s fine. We were just hanging out.” 

“Yeah! Lulu, he was telling me about the _ Grape Gaps-bee!”  _ Eloise says, much too loud for the situation. 

“Oh… the Grape Gapsbee, huh?” 

“I  _ hate  _ Tom!” Ellie says again, shaking her head, brows furrowed. 

“Tom  _ is _ the  _ worst!”  _ Lily agrees, grinning at the child on her hip. “How’s about a milkshake?” 

“Yeah!” Eloise cheers. 

“Let’s go get a table with Sevvy, yeah?” Lily coos at Ellie, whose face immediately falls. 

“What about my friend?” She asks, pointing a stubby finger at James. 

“I’m sure James is very busy, and you’ve got to leave him to read his book.” Lily explains, then furthers. “And, remember, we don’t point at people, it’s not very polite.”

Ellie nods, lowering her hand, sending James a timid wave. “Bye, James.”

“Bye,” James smiles softly in her direction. 

James watched Lily walk across the diner to where her boyfriend sat, Pandora making short conversation with him, arms crossed protectively across her chest. He’d never seen Pandora look so  _ irritated  _ in her life, eyes glancing around the diner, her stance guarded, putting an awkward amount of space between her and the man.  _ Oh right. This must be the boyfriend that sucks.  _

_ It figures.  _ James huffs, no longer able to focus on the novel in his hands, eyes glued to the strange sight across the restaurant. The man seemed completely and utterly disinterested, hair pulled back into a slick ponytail, brows set in a hard line, thin lips curling slightly downward. James watched Lily sit herself down next to him, Ellie across from the pair. He watched the guy’s hand immediately protectively wrap behind Lily, hand resting on her side. He kind of expects her to melt into him, you know like she actually liked the guy, but she stayed still, almost rigid, completely stationary. Her posture was so up-right and completely too stiff for the situation. However, the warm smile never left her lips. 

Caught up in the weird tension, James almost missed the steady buzz of his phone next to him, Remus’ contact flashing across the screen. “Remus? You okay?” James answers the phone, hoping he hadn’t let it ring for too long. 

Lily’s head perks up, hearing  _ Remus  _ come from James’ mouth, knowing full-well that  _ she knew that guy,  _ he was the guy that Sirius actively had taken interest for the first time in what felt like years… and now that she was thinking about it, it  _ had  _ been years.

“Hey, hey, you’re alright,” James soothes, suddenly grabbing his jacket that he’d shrugged off at some point, pulling it over his shoulders, while trying to keep the phone pressed to his ear. “I’m on my way. Are you at home?” There was a pause over the line, James stood there, broad, tall,  _ perfect,  _ about to play knight and shining armor for his friend, who was obviously in distress. “The stadium? I’m on my way.”

And then, with as much force as he’d entered with, James abandoned the diner, phone wedged between his shoulder and his ear, car keys in one hand, wallet in the other. A feeling that she didn’t really feel like addressing settled in the pit of her stomach, a sense of longing pulling hollowly in the middle of her chest as she watched the man leave the diner, eyes then drifting to the perfect little girl sitting just across from her.  _ Her Ellie Bellie, her little bundle of joy, her lifeline, her world.  _

“Lulu! He left his book!” Eloise pipes up, watching James leave the restaurant entirely. And, sure enough, right there on the counter sat the small, worn copy of The Great Gatsby. 

“He did, didn’t he?” Lily replies, mind kind of floating elsewhere, looking between here little girl in front of her and the abandoned counter, wallowing in the strange sense of emptiness that had been left by the absence of James. It was almost as if he was the lifeblood of the diner, and with him, he’d taken the heart of the place with him. 

“We have to get it back to him!” Ellie pleads, immediately moving to leave the booth, only for Severus to reach across the booth, catching her tiny shoulder in his withered palm. 

“Not now, Eloise. I’m sure he’ll be back to get it.” 

“But what if he doesn’t! It’s his favorite book, he can’t just not have it anymore!” 

_ “Eloise,  _ if it’s really his favorite book, he can buy a new one.” Severus’ flattened tone snaps Lily back to reality. 

“I can get it to him,” She says, looking between her pouting Ellie and her boyfriend, both their startlingly similar brows set in the same frustrated line. “He’s a friend of a friend of a friend, we’ll figure it out,” she furthers, patting Eloise’s head, getting up to go grab the book off of the counter. 

* * *

A notification from Instagram made Remus’ phone buzz,  _ New Follower: @siriusorion_,  _ and honestly, at first Remus didn’t really think anything of it, quickly opening his phone and accepting the request. It was a chilly night, and the nerves of being back in his old high school’s football stadium didn’t really help either. He was sandwiched in between his father, mug of hot chocolate in between his hands, and Felix, who was wrapped in a thick, fleece blanket, eyes trained on the game. 

Augustus hadn’t shown up like he said he would. That was the only reason they were at the damn game: Auggie had promised that he’d ‘make a pitstop on his way through to Riverside’ because they were visiting Mary’s family for her sister’s baby shower. Not that that mattered, considering it was Julia’s fucking eighteenth and he coudln’t even bother to show up. So now he was here, sitting at a stupid fucking football game that he and Felix didn’t even really want to be at. However, his dad looked like he was enjoying himself, so he couldn’t complain too much. 

Remus had never really been a sports kid, always preferring non-contact, non-competitive activities that were less cutthroat. He’d clung to his english teachers like a lifeline, finding more comfort in poetry than getting tackled. He’d always been tall, that had never been an issue, but he was always quite the gangly kid, always being on the sickly side, and was never the kid that was going to get overly involved in gym class, or really sports of any kind. That had always been Rom. However, it’s not like he had an aversion to athletics, or wasn’t athletic at all, but it just wasn’t in his nature he supposed. He’d never been competitive, never been aggressive, never been the kid that would get up in another’s face. 

His mother had always said that it was funny, he and his brother were like venus and mars, like night and day, like a lion and a lamb, exact opposites, yet counterparts nonetheless. Remus always shrugged that off, realizing that he was moon to his brother’s sun, just a reflection of the light that Romulus gave off, a mere shadow in comparison. Romulus had always been the ‘better twin’, which never really bothered Remus, they were just different. However, sometimes coming back to SouthPort made him feel more like a ghost than he’d ever felt, even when he was dancing with death. 

Shaking his head, he redirected his attention to his phone, where Sirius had followed him. Curiosity sort of got the best of Remus as he clicked on Sirius’ profile. He couldn’t help wanting to insta-stalk the guy. I mean he hadn’t really gotten much of an explanation about anything from Sirius and with everything that was going on, he could use something to fret over that  _ wasn’t  _ his family. 

His bio read ‘He. Westwater. 1997’, very minimalistic. Most of his posts were black and white, and honestly there wasn’t a whole lot of substance, and it seemed rather normal. That was, until Remus sort of looked a little closer, clicking on the most recent picture, scrolling to read the caption,  _ ‘God Bless These 20 Somethings’. _ It was a photo of Sirius, some kind of raging party going on in the background, but there he was in the foreground, looking like a  _ completely different  _ version to the man that Remus had spent that one fateful morning with. His hair was short, closely cropped on the sides, his ebony curls running wild, his eyes masked in thick winged eyeliner. He was laughing, his teeth covered by his lips, his cheeks sunken in, and even in the low lighting, Remus could tell that he was lacking color in his cheeks and skin. A mesh shirt covered very little of Sirius, revealing the fact that his chest and arms were covered in tattoos. 

He scrolled to the comments, of which there were  _ many,  _ most of them people that Remus didn’t recognize. He saw an ‘@lilyjae9’ comment “happy 20th bby i love you cutie pie”, and he assumed that must’ve been a close friend, he recognized her vaguely, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it.  _ And then,  _ Remus looked at the date on the picture. November 3, 2017. 

Sirius hadn’t posted in well over two years. 

And, you know how they say  _ ‘curiosity killed the cat’,  _ well, Remus should’ve taken that into deliberate consideration as he continued to scroll through the dead instagram. The next most recent post was a picture of Sirius and  _ some guy,  _ some guy who had his arms around Sirius’ midsection, playfully biting his ear lobe, face hidden. The both of them looked… happy wasn’t exactly the word Remus would use. Once again, Sirius was dressed in a revealing outfit, hair pushed back away from his face, eyeliner smudged around his eyes, and drink in his free hand.  _ ‘and I suppose we’re the Lucky Ones.’  _ What a caption. 

He wasn't sure if it was the low lighting from the previous two posts, but Sirius looked different in this third picture. You could see the hollowness in his face, the soured coloring of it, as the next post was a picture of Sirius and a redheaded woman, her hands cupping his face lovingly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He was holding out a pair of keys, and the caption was  _ ‘and they were roommates’.  _ Remus laughed, deciding to look through comments.  _ And that was when he saw it.  _

A comment from @severussnape: ‘my favorite girl and our other roommate’. To which, Sirius had replied with a ‘lmfaoooo bye’. _How the hell did Sirius know Severus?_

Remus’ head swam, realizing that suddenly, the two worlds that he’d tried so hard to keep separate were beginning to collide.  _ Sirius was friends with one of the knobheads that he’d gone to high school with.  _ What were the chances? What were the chances that this man knew  _ other  _ people he’d grown up with, people that had changed Remus’ life forever, people that he wanted  _ out  _ of his life forever. 

“It’s pretty crazy, Zachary Mackintosh might be the best player to come through SouthPort High since RJ Lupin in 2014. It’s been  _ years  _ since we’ve seen this kind of talent. He already has offers from multiple division one schools, which is pretty impressive,” the school’s announcer booms over the loudspeaker, snapping Remus out of his thoughts, he looked up at Felix, who was still staring straight ahead at the game, shoulders slumped forward slightly. 

Remus was trying to find anywhere to look but at the damn game, or at Felix, or at his own father, realizing how empty it all felt, especially without Augustus. Turning his head back forward, his eyes caught on the poster at the edge of the field that commemorated all of the All-State football players that had ever come through SouthPort, which wasn’t many. Despite the town’s intense fixation on their high school’s football team, there wasn’t a whole lot of winning that went on, seeing as SouthPort wasn’t much more than a little town that relied on the sea. Believe it or not, there weren’t many incredibly talented football players that came through. 

The list was quite extensive, going all the way back to the mid-thirties, most of those players’ kids having even passed on by now. But, getting closer to the time when he was in school, Remus began to recognize names as fathers or uncles of people that he knew in school. And then, he saw his name.  _ Fenrir Greyback - 2x All-Conference, All-State - Class of 2012.  _ And you know what, it was a damn fucking shame because right underneath, in Red, rather than white, read  _ Romulus Lupin - 3x All-Conference, 3x All-State, 2x All-American - Class of 2013.  _

“Say, Remus! That Zach Mackintosh! You remember him?” His father asks from beside him, pushing up his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “Remember when he and Jules used to joke about getting married?” 

And suddenly, all of it, everything, just became all too much. 

He was picking himself up before he really realized what was happening, feet carrying him down the stairs of the bleachers. Julia’s birthday, being back in SouthPort, seeing Romulus  _ everywhere,  _ yet seeing Augustus  _ nowhere,  _ watching Felix be absolutely  _ miserable, _ and watching his dad try to put on a brave face as everything still slowly crumbled. It was too much. 

He’d always been promised that things would get worse before they’d get better, however things had just been getting worse and worse over the past nine years, like a slow decay into nothingness. And in all honesty, Remus would’ve preferred a  _ bang,  _ something loud and fast and determined, not whatever  _ this was,  _ this slow, painful crawl into rot.

He didn’t even remember calling James, didn’t even remember walking out to the middle of the parking lot. He didn’t even remember breaking down and crying, he didn’t remember getting in James’ car, he didn’t remember any of it.

_ “Remus!”  _ James growls, shaking him a couple times. “Hey! You’ve  _ gotta tell me what’s wrong if you want me to be able do anything about it, dude!”  _

Taking a couple shaky breaths, Remus looked up at James, “Take me to see her.” 

“Remus-” 

“James! I want to see Julia. It’s been too fucking long.” 

Defeated, James nods, putting the car in drive.

* * *

“This is a bad idea, Sirius,” Dorcas hummed from across the couch, shaking her head. 

“I agree, bebe,” Marlene murmurs, watching Sirius stare at the phone in his palm. She softly places one hand between his shoulder blades, the other on her stomach. 

“Look, it’s been over two years. Hasn’t it been long enough?” Sirius asks, staring at the instagram login page. “Look, Remus said that I should’ve reached out to him on instagram and… like…” 

“Do not make  _ Remus  _ the reason that you reactivate your socials.” Dorcas snaps, sighing exhaustedly. 

“He isn’t!”

“Mmhm,” Marlene hums, softly rubbing Sirius’ back. “Just… are you going to gut your instagram?” 

Sirius mulls it over, still staring at the blank login page. “I mean… maybe I shouldn't?” he sighs, closing his eyes and breathing in through his nose. “Maybe this is one of those things that… that I can just leave unsaid? Like if he goes through my page, he’s smart enough to see that I don’t- that I’m not- that I don’t look like that anymore. Do-don’t you think that he could use some  _ context clues?”  _

Dorcas scoffs, Marlene shoots her a look. “Dee, baby, he has a point.” 

“I don’t know, I don’t trust this  _ ‘Remus’  _ guy,” She huffs, putting air quotes around Remus’ name. This pulls an unexpected laugh out of Sirius. 

“Oh! What?” He barks. “You think I just  _ made him up?”  _

“I never said that! Don’t put words in my mouth, kid!” Dorcas replies, laughing, the tension in the room having somewhat dissipated. 

“Whatever!” Sirius groans, finally feeling like he had the final push to type his username and password into the empty instagram login page. “I’m in,” he breathes softly, cringing backward almost like logging into social media was some sort of bomb that was just waiting to go off. But, it logged in just like it always had, his feed full of people that he hadn’t talked to in years. 

Rather than dwell, he went and typed Remus’ name in the search bar, trying to resist the urge to just scroll on his homepage for hours. @RemusLupin, his bio read  _ ‘he/him, life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.’  _ And Sirius tried, he really tried not to roll his eyes at the fucking  _ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off  _ quote in this man’s bio. 

“Oh God!” He cries, smacking a hand over his eyes. “This man has a Ferris Bueller quote in his damn bio.” 

“You’re lying!” Dorcas squeals, holding out her hands for Sirius to deposit the phone. “Let me see!” 

Reluctantly, Sirius hands Dorcas the phone, mentally kicking himself for not getting a better look at the kind of posts Remus was putting out.  _ Oh god what if he’s a total tool on instagram.  _

“This motherfucker is a  _ total tool  _ on instagram!” Dorcas shouts, almost if she’d been reading Sirius’ mind. Sirius sighed in defeat, shaking his head. 

“I should’ve listened to you,” he says sadly, holding out his hand for his phone back.

“No way, this guy… he might be a tool, but he seems… harmless.” Dorcas decides after scrolling for a few moments, handing the phone back to Sirius with a nonchalant shrug. 

Sirius then took to scrolling through Remus’ most recent posts, seeing one from just a few days prior. It showed him and James in the reflection of the window of a shop. James was flexing, showing off his massive biceps, and the caption read, “People are always ruining things for you.”

_ What a dick,  _ Sirius thought, laughing. Then, he looked at the location of the photo, and saw that it was tagged “The Catcher in the Rye” and figured that this was probably a line from the book, the book that Sirius had never bothered to read in the eleventh grade. He was dealing with bigger things at that time. He kept scrolling. 

There were a lot of pictures of some cat named Ollie, a lot of coffee shop reviews, shirtless selfies with James, pictures of days in the city with his dad. There were a whole lot of things that Remus was doing that Sirius could never even imagine experiencing. And then he got stuck, Sirius had scrolled back and back and back to the beginning of the previous year, March 10, 2019. And now, he was here, stuck on a photoset that began what looked like a picture from Remus’ childhood, two boys standing next to one another, arms around each other, big brown eyes staring down the camera. 

_ “Well, this is it, Rom. The big 2-5. Never thought I’d have to bear the cross of my quarter-life crisis without you, buddy, but here we are. RJ, my partner and crime, my better half, the ‘cool’ brother, the popular twin, the better looking one. Of the two of us, I will always be wishing it was me, because you had so much to live for, had so much stretched out ahead of you. Did you know, they named that booth in Lovegood’s that you and Felix used to drink milkshakes in after church on Sundays? Well they did. There’s a big plaque over it. Don’t worry, they put your face up everywhere, now. It’s weird, you know? I miss our early morning walks to school when the car wouldn’t start, I miss your horrible music taste, I miss your raunchy humor, I miss helping you with physics homework, I miss teachers getting confused and calling us both RJ, I even miss going to your stupid football games, I miss you, dude. But don’t worry, I’m doing what I can while I’m down here. Say hi to mom and Jules for me while you’re up there, won't you? See you soon.”  _

Sirius sat, completely awestruck, not being able to help himself, he began scrolling through the photoset, finding a bunch of pictures of middle school Remus, and what he assumed was his twin brother. And that was when curiosity killed the damned cat. 

He continued scrolling, taking note of the normalcy of his posts, until he ran into a post from October 9, 2018. An old photo of Remus with a tiny little girl on his shoulders, her sandy curls pulled into pigtails. Here and Remus grinning at the camera, matching  _ enormous  _ brown eyes.  _ October 9,  _ that was tomorrow. 

_ “hi Ju Ju Bee, happy sweet sixteenth. I remembered looking forward to this day, thinking that Rom and I were gonna be on velvet rope duty and were going to try to rough up any guys that tried to talk to you. My teeny, my bean, my best friend, Julia I miss you more than you could ever know. There was so much you had left to see, so much I wanted to experience with you. Auggie and I miss days at the park with you, but don’t you even worry. There’s a special swing that’s just for you at the park, no one’s allowed to swing on it, and it’s just for you, Jules. Sometimes I worry, but I know you’re with the man upstairs playing with RJ and mom. I know they’re taking real good care of you. See you soon, peanut. I love ya.”  _

Before his conscious mind even caught up, he realized the familiarity of it all, of the family of Remus, of the circumstances. All of it crashing over him in a wave that was much too violent for his own liking. Sirius put down the phone, running hands through his hair and over his face. “Oh my god. I think I’m gonna be sick.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!! I APPRECIATE YOU ALL IMMENSELY !!! come hang out with me on tumblr @someforeignband and on tiktok @twelve.grimmauld.place


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